‘We’re a United Kingdom when it comes to this summer’s hot topic’

Of course I’ve been huffing and puffing and sweating and groaning just like you. It’s unbearable, obviously. But this week it dawned on me – this heatwave is brilliant.

It’s the morale booster we all needed, unifying us as a nation.

Because let’s be honest: we’re British – we’ve been training for this our whole lives.­ Conversations about the weather have been going on around us constantly since the day we were born. Ditto moaning. And now we have the chance to flex the glorious muscles we’ve been working on so long and hard, and moan about the weather.

It’s like an Olympics we can all compete – and excel – in. This is our day in the sun. Literally.

Earlier this week, coming back from my corner shop, I bumped into a neighbour who has never been that friendly.

Obviously the way to deal with this was that one of us would speed up and the other slow down so we didn’t have to walk along together. But it all went wrong, and instead we accidentally fell into perfect step with each other. Trapped. I saw the panic in his eyes… and watched it instantly disappear as soon as I said, “It’s just too hot, isn’t it?”

There is no other conversation that would have had enough mileage to get us both home safely. We couldn’t have located another patch of common ground if we’d searched for a thousand years. Moaning about the weather brought us together in a way nothing else ever could have.

This weather is the ultimate leveller. Cross-generational, no matter your sex or class. There has been no one I’ve begun a chat about the weather with since the heatwave started who hasn’t immediately grabbed it and run, enthusiastically.

And this, despite, absolutely doubtlessly just having had the exact same conversation a few minutes before, and all day, and all week, for weeks. Just like I had. We bloody love it. We just cannot get enough.

As a country, we’re united in not liking something. I’ve never felt more patriotic.

Moaning about this weather is the World Cup for people who don’t like football, Love Island for people who don’t like TV shows that are blatantly brilliant – a national pastime we’re universally passionate about, because it affects all of us.

The correct procedure is to start off by announcing it’s too hot – the lack of originality of the statement is cancelled out by the undeniable truth of it – and then you can add, “for me” if you like. In this kind of extreme heat I’m not sure it works, but I’ll let it go, because it’s too hot to quibble.

Then you can insert either an amusing heat-related anecdote, or go right for the money shot and mention how hard it is to sleep. Bonus points for use of the word ‘oppressive’.

You finish by talking about how “they” say it’s going to get even hotter/cool down next week, and then you both laugh about how “they” have got it wrong before though. The end.

Of course every now and then you may come across someone who insists they absolutely love this weather.

Maybe they’re just saying it to be controversial and get attention, or maybe they genuinely mean it. We’ll probably never really know.

Put it this way though – the heat isn’t the reason their pants are on fire.

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