Well, this is awkward…

Now that he’s been elected House Speaker, Representative Mike Johnson is finding there’s just a little more scrutiny placed on the person three steps away from the presidency. But maybe instead of a spotlight, the press should have brought a blacklight??

The Republican from Louisiana enjoys his public image as an upstanding, squeaky clean family man, but he may have inadvertently outed himself as what’s sometimes called, well, a dang-ass freak.

Johnson doesn’t want you to see it anymore, but in a conversation at the Cypress Baptist Church in Louisiana last year, he explained he has “accountability software” installed on his computer and phone. He explained in a now-unlisted video on YouTube:

“It scans all the activity on your phone, or your devices, your laptop, what have you; we do all of it.”

The program, called Covenant Eyes, monitors your online activity to make sure you don’t use porn. And he’s not using it alone. He said he and his teenage son Jack both have the software installed! And they monitor one another’s usage! Well, that’s just creepy… He said:

“It sends a report to your accountability partner. My accountability partner right now is Jack, my son. He’s 17. So he and I get a report about all the things that are on our phones, all of our devices, once a week. If anything objectionable comes up, your accountability partner gets an immediate notice. I’m proud to tell ya, my son has got a clean slate.”

Let’s be perfectly clear, he was bragging about this. Showing what a great, clean guy and responsible dad he is. But frankly, well…

Look, it’s kind of like getting into a date’s car and seeing one of those breathalyzers — the kind where the car won’t start unless you prove your blood alcohol content. It’s a red flag. Because you know who needs that? PEOPLE WITH A DUI!

That breathalyzer isn’t proof the person doesn’t have a drinking problem, it’s a sure sign they do have a problem. And this kind of software should be a big red flag that Mike has some issues.

Speaking of which, did the name Covenant Eyes ring a bell, btw? It did for us. And after a few moments we realized where we’d heard it before. It’s the same accountability software Josh Duggar had installed on his phone and computer! Remember? At some point after he got busted in 2015, not just looking at a ton of porn but also finding cheating partners on Ashley Madison, he had to get the accountability software installed to send reports to his wife Anna.

Josh Duggar, y’all! THAT’S the only other person we’ve ever heard of using this software. Need any more proof this should be considered a red effing flag??

Here’s the evidence btw:

There are a couple problems here with the Speaker of the House using this software.

First, there’s a very real security issue. Everything this man does on his phone and computer is monitored by a private company? Who can see this? What’s their security like?? Foreign powers try to hack and compromise us all the time these days, this seems like a really overt breach.

The other? Listen, we’re not in the business of yucking yums or kink-shaming, and internet porn could hardly be considered kinky even. It’s just pretty normal at this point. The problem? The unfortunately-named-at-this-particular-moment Johnson is the kind of Christian who believes everyone else should adhere to his beliefs. He’s against abortion, obviously. But he’s even against contraception. Yeah.

Not only that, he and his wife are firmly against LGBT rights. We mean, basically their whole existence. They apparently think just being gay is a sin and thus support conversion therapy. We found out last week Kelly Johnson‘s counseling service equates gay sex to bestiality. They’re THOSE types of Christians.

So to find out he’s the kind of guy who has accountability software installed on his computer? The hypocrisy, that’s the issue. Just admit sex is a normal, natural part of the human experience! Stop trying to hold everyone to weird puritanical standards you don’t even think YOU can live up to without a digital ankle monitor!

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