It’s the most wonderful time of the year… or is it?

If Christmas with the family feels more like a festive trial than a time of peace, love and joy, you’re not alone. 

Many of us are stuck in unhelpful or damaging behavioural patterns with our loved ones, and being shut inside together can take more than a glass of mulled wine to endure.

“Year after year, we can go into the festive period hoping that this time it’s going to be different, and more often than not, it isn’t and we experience painful repetition of past hurts,” says Kate Roberts, a hypnotherapist and coach. 

According to Relate, 70% of us are expecting to row over the festive season, but it’s never too late to set boundaries.

We spoke to the experts on dealing with festive family issues, so you can go forth and be merry…

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Don’t be a child

Even if you’re happy in your own skin and a success at home and work, just 10 minutes at your parents’ house can be enough to bring out your inner brat.

It’s understandable, says Kate. “Christmas can be triggering for many of us. We’re often recreating family structures from childhood, so it’s easy to assume those familiar roles and slip into old unconscious patterns of behaviour.”

The trick is to acknowledge that things have changed and that you’re an adult now.

Kate says: “A tactful conversation with your parents may do the trick, but the most important thing is to remind yourself of who you are now, remember that you’re very different from the childhood version of you and try to maintain that sense of self as you go into these interactions.” 

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To do that, Kate says: “Close your eyes and take some calming breaths. Try the 4/7/8 breathing technique – inhale for a count of four, hold for seven, then exhale for eight.

Think about the qualities that make you who you are now – your interests, beliefs, values, key personality traits.

Imagine yourself from an outsider’s perspective and feel how empowered you are in other areas of your life.

Once you’ve generated these good feelings within, open your eyes and know that this is who you are.

You can bring all these wonderful qualities to your interactions with your family.”

Find your inner diplomat

Talking politics while pulling crackers may not end well, so if things get heated after one too many egg nogs, it’s time to find a new way to talk.

“When arguments about politics happen, it’s often because people are entrenched in their camps and unwilling to listen,” says Clare Flaxen, a cognitive behavioural therapist.

“It hits home because these conversations are about values that feel important or tap into our sense of identity.

Try to take the personal out of these debates and see them as an interesting discussion, with room for different points of view.

It’s important in this age of polarisation to be able to voice opposing opinions and have conversations that can lead to more connection and understanding. That’s how change happens.” 

That can be tough, however, particularly if someone is saying things you find offensive.

Clare says: “If you don’t feel able to challenge these views without causing an argument, calmly state that you’re going to draw a line under the conversation.

If it feels too toxic and unsafe, just don’t talk politics with your family.

Put your differences aside for the day and agree not to go there. 

If others do, excuse yourself from the conversation.”

Share the load

It can unfairly fall to the same person to do all the present buying, cooking, cleaning and everything in between.

If that’s you, speak up and make sure everyone chips in.

“Having a word before December 25 can help keep frustrations to a minimum and allow the day to run more smoothly,” says Kate.

“Suggest sharing the workload – everyone brings a side dish, for example. Assign duties to family members, such as laying/clearing the table or topping up drinks.”

Set firm boundaries on what you are and aren’t willing to do.

Going out for Christmas dinner is also an option – it means everyone escapes the washing-up, while the change of scenery might mean you’re all better behaved!

Unleash your tiger mum

If your family is judgemental about how you parent and throws around words like “spoilt” when it comes to presents, it can lead to a tense time around the tree, but there are ways of tackling it.

First, ask your relative to talk to you privately rather than in front of your child if they have a problem.

Let them know their opinions can be hurtful, and give them a chance to change.

If that fails, Clare says you have two options: “Say something back – it can be powerful for a child to see their parents standing up for them.”

The key is to keep things calm and measured. “Use ‘I’ statements and own what you’re saying, rather than pointing the finger,” says Clare.

“Make your position clear by setting a boundary with: ‘I’d prefer you didn’t make comments like that. I/my child finds those words hurtful.’

Show a different perspective: ‘How interesting! I don’t see it as being spoilt – I think they’re just excited.’

And have the final say – no discussion wanted or needed – with: ‘It’s fine for them to have X, Y or Z.’”

Alternatively, Clare says, ignore the comments: “It’s also powerful for your child to see that they can choose how they feel about what other people think or say.

Not every negative comment needs to be taken on board.” 

The main thing is to check your child isn’t too fazed. Clare adds: “If your child is upset by the comments, talk privately with them.

What matters most to children is what their caregiver thinks – and you can both have a giggle about how annoying Grandad/Auntie is!”

Put yourself first

If the mere thought of festivities with the family makes you feel queasy, you can make different plans.

“It’s OK to choose not to spend Christmas with your family – you can opt out,” says Kate.

“You might say: ‘I know I usually spend Christmas at yours, but I’ve decided to stay at mine this year and do things a bit differently.’

Expect that your family may respond with disappointment, try to convince you to do otherwise or be angry.

But it’s your decision to make, and you’re not doing anything wrong in prioritising your needs.”

Kate adds: “Be honest with yourself about what you need. 

Do some things that make you feel great, whether that’s meeting friends, exercising, meditating or reading a good book.

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Choose you.

The more we improve our self-esteem and cultivate self-compassion, the less we feel drawn into family dysfunction and compelled to engage in toxic dynamics.” 

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