PREPARING to give birth is easily one of the most terrifying experiences women go through, whether that’s picking the best position to deliver to worrying about unexpected bowel movements.

And professional midwife, Marley Hall, 39 has just about seen it all. 

Marley, from Staines, Surrey is mum to Dion, 22, twins Jamie and Dillan, 14, Amari, five and Sienna-Rai, three, and has helped 700 women give birth.

She’s written a straight talking self-help book about the anxieties and joy of labour – and here Marley reveals everything you wanted to ask but were afraid to about giving birth…

Marley says: "SPEEDING along in an ambulance, I calmly tell the paramedics to stop.

As the ambulance hits the skids, I yell for the woman on all fours to push and within thirty seconds a new baby girl comes screaming into the world.

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I had hoped the ambulance would make it to the hospital, but instead they’d pulled over at a local bus stop.

I cut the umbilical cord, cleaned the baby and wrapped it before passing it to a very relieved mum.

She had planned a home birth, but after a few major contractions she'd demanded an epidural – and now the bus stop would be listed as the infant’s formal place of birth on her birth certificate.

When the new mum showed me the certificate at a home visit she was mortified but I reassured her it made a great story and to remember she and baby were healthy and happy.

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After all, as a mum of five and a midwife with thirteen years experience I have definitely seen far worse.

I’ve had one baby via c-section and four others via vaginal births and dedicated my life to helping new mums and dads have babies. 

I was just 18 when I had my firstborn, Dion, now 22, in March 2000. 

I was a teen mum. The midwives were amazing and non judgemental. They are the reason I decided to go into midwifery.

When Dion was born I was studying digital broadcast media at Thames Valley University.

I graduated and cross-enrolled in midwifery knowing it was my true calling.

I juggled raising Dion, my second pregnancy with twins and their birth via c-section in September 2007 with study and graduated as a midwife in May 2009.

I started work as a part-time NHS midwife in July 2009 with a seven-year-old and two-year-old twins.

My very first birth as a midwife was shadowing another nurse.

It was a home birth and the woman was having her second baby twenty years after her first.

I’ve had ladies give birth on the stairs, in the kitchen, in the car and in the bathroom – you name it!

She had her bed all prepared but ended up giving birth leaning over the sofa with me helping.

That’s the thing about home births they rarely go to plan, especially if contractions rapidly speed up.

Once, I was walking one labouring mum from her garden to her back door between contractions. She had a transition contraction, which is when the baby’s head starts to crown.

She gave birth with one foot on the patio, one foot inside, and me underneath grabbing the newborn.

Many ladies end up having their babies on the toilet, too.

If they go for a wee and call out to me I know what's going to happen.

I reach between the ladies' legs, put down a sheet – the same you use for toilet training puppies – so the baby doesn't drop into water – and put my hands out to catch the little one.

It’s up close and VERY personal.

Some toilets are a tight fit but I have never dropped a baby.

I’ve had ladies give birth on the stairs, in the kitchen, in the car and in the bathroom – you name it!

I even got called to a homebirth on a canal boat.

It was a windy, rainy night and the boat was rocking. I had to hop onto land every 10 minutes because I felt sea sick.

Space was incredibly limited and the mum had lots of incense and herbs burning. She also wanted a lotus birth.

That meant I didn't cut the cord and wrapped the baby in muslin.

She carried the baby attached until the cord naturally dropped off and buried the placenta and planted a pear tree on top of it. She said she got used to the smell of the rotting placenta.

Other mums asked to take their placenta home to have it dried and encapsulated into vitamins, some cut off pieces and make smoothies from it, others even fry it and eat it claiming it has health benefits. 

Another mum wanted to cover the placenta in paint and make a print of it.

One lady told me her dog accidentally ate her placenta, pulling it out of her handbag when she got home from the hospital.

She and I laughed about that and I told her better luck next time.

Without a doubt, the question I get asked the most is what position is best to deliver in. I would always recommend either on all fours, standing or lying on your side. Ultimately it's the mum’s choice.

If you squat you have a greater chance of tearing because squatting sees extra pressure on the vaginal opening and surrounding skin.

I had to throw out my shoes and uniform and shower a few times. The most important thing is mum and baby were fine. I was still finding poop in my hair for a few days after.

Water births are becoming more popular at home and in hospitals.

My job initially is to scoop out poop with a kitchen sieve. Midwives don't get in the water and have special mirrors on sticks for underwater use to check when the baby is crowning.

We show the mums how to reach for the baby and slowly bring it to the surface and then my job is to help the baby sit on the mum's chest.

My experience is that 50 percent of women poop while giving birth or in labour.

Many birthing mums are horrified if they start farting or pooping but it's totally normal.

Ten years ago I was working in Emergency and a pregnant mum came in with strong contractions.

I got her to the examination bed. I think the poor woman must have taken a laxative because as her baby's head was crowned she suffered terrible diarrhoea.

I was covered in poo from head to toe, the bed and walls were splattered and so was she.

I got the baby out and cleaned it. I got a new hospital gown for her and after she was wheeled out it looked like the room and I had been in a mud fight.

I had to throw out my shoes and uniform and shower a few times. The most important thing is mum and baby were fine. I was still finding poop in my hair for a few days after.

So don't take laxatives. They won't help labour.

Eating a spicy curry isn't any help either and in fact it can give you the runs.

People who think sex will speed things up are wrong too. If you want a bonk, have one but it won’t do much.

Nipple stimulation is a better option and research shows it can help contractions.

Using a breast pump during a very slow labour acts the same way and can occasionally speed things up.

One lady told me she’d eaten fifty pineapples in three days because it helped bring on labour. I had to gently tell her it didn't.

While helping babies come into the world is extremely rewarding it can be equally distressing.

The youngest person I have seen give birth is an eleven year old who didn't even know she was pregnant.

She came in with a man who said he was family. It was a tragic case of abuse.

I have helped fifteen and sixteen year olds give birth and they have been amazing mums.

Meanwhile the oldest person I have been the midwife for was a 56-year-old mum who had frozen her eggs and her labour went well.

I see all kinds of birthing partners, from friends to 80-year-old uncles.

Partners and husbands often end up fainting. Unfortunately, our priority is mum and baby so we will often just end up stepping over them.

I couldn’t care less what mums look like during birth – some come in with full makeup, nails and hair done while others come in ratty pyjamas. 

I say whatever makes you comfortable and the same goes for your pubic hair, there’s no need to shave for my benefit but go ahead if you want!

I think the biggest shock for new mums is just how much their baby will sleep to begin with.

For the first few days newborns mostly sleep to recover themselves from the birth.

However, there is usually a sudden bout of crying which can be an unwelcome surprise for new parents.

But the most important thing is for mums to remember that there is no one size fits all plan and every baby is different.

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I love being a mum and a midwife and sharing knowledge is all about women knowing whatever works for them will work for their baby.

Marley’s book – Midwife Marley's Guide For Everyone- Pregnancy, Birth and the 4th Trimester is available on Amazon and in all good book stores now.

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