SELLING Sunset star Maya Vander, 40, was just two weeks away from welcoming her third child when she was given the devastating news the her baby Mason was stillborn.

Six months later Maya miscarried, while still grieving the loss of Mason. Here Maya shares her struggle with grief and her fears over having another baby.

Sunday December 5, 2021, started out like any other day.

I got up, made my kids Aiden, three, and Elle, two, their breakfast and was enjoying a relaxing morning at our family home in Miami.

With just two weeks left until our third baby was due, I was savouring every moment with the kids before we were thrust back into the days of sleepless nights and dirty nappies.

But as the day progressed, I noticed that my baby was moving less and less.

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My husband Dave [43, who works in finance] was suffering with Covid, so I went to the hospital on my own to have an ultrasound.

The moment I saw the baby’s heartbeat was in the normal range, I breathed a sigh of relief. 

I figured that maybe he wasn’t kicking as much because I was near the end of my pregnancy and he didn’t have much space. 

My weekly check-up was due just four days later and although his movements had continued to be few and far between, I kept reminding myself that the ultrasound had been normal.

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At the appointment, after what felt like forever, the sonographer technician told me they couldn’t find a heartbeat.

In that moment, my world fell apart. I’d read about stillbirth, but I never dreamed it would happen to me. 

As Dave was still testing positive, he couldn’t be there. I felt myself go into survival mode.

I went home to sort out my hospital bag and was in a daze as I removed all the baby clothes, as I knew I would no longer need them.

Three hours after I was told the devastating news, I was holding my sweet little boy Mason in my arms following a vaginal birth.

He looked so much like Aiden.

Dave begged the hospital to let him in so he could say goodbye.

When Aiden and Elle were born, it was a thrill to dress them up in cute outfits, put them in their car seat and drive them home from the hospital.

Leaving the ward without my baby was the lowest I’ve ever felt.

I’d love to have another baby, but I’m now terrified to get pregnant. I feel like there’s something missing from our family. 

I wouldn’t wish it on any mother.

Christmas is my favourite time of year. I love making the house cosy and taking the kids to admire the lights.

But last year, I felt like I was in this huge cloud and I couldn’t see through it.

I remember thinking to myself: “How are we ever going to have fun again?”

On New Year’s Eve, we had a family dinner at a restaurant to get a sense of normality and I just started crying.

The grief hit me out of nowhere – it comes in waves. I started grief therapy immediately afterwards and attended weekly group sessions with other mums.

I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was responsible – I should have known Mason was in distress. It breaks my heart that my body wasn’t a safe place.

The pathology report didn’t shed any light on what happened, so we sent the placenta to a specialist.

The grief hit me out of nowhere – it comes in waves. I started grief therapy immediately afterwards and attended weekly group sessions with other mums.

They found it was smaller than it should have been and that the umbilical cord was slightly compressed, which could have caused him to slowly lose oxygen.

If only I’d known to go to A&E, I might have my little boy here with me. 

A lot of people have said things like: “Oh don’t worry – you’ll get pregnant again.”

They don’t understand that I carried a baby, then I had to bury that child; we had to hold his little body. 

Dave and I did decide to try for another baby.

Exactly six months after losing Mason, I found out I was having a miscarriage at nine weeks.

All the healing I’d done unravelled. I bled for two weeks straight.

I’d love to have another baby, but I’m now terrified to get pregnant. I feel like there’s something missing from our family. 

A lot of people have said things like: 'Oh don’t worry – you’ll get pregnant again.' They don’t understand that I carried a baby, then I had to bury that child; we had to hold his little body. 

Earlier this year, a woman emailed me and said I’d saved her baby.

When she felt less movement at the end of her pregnancy, she went to hospital and insisted they deliver her son.

Sure enough, the baby had two knots in his umbilical cord.

I’m not sharing my story so people feel sorry for me – it helps my own recovery to help others.

Not everything in life is as glam as Selling Sunset. 

• Follow Maya on Instagram @Themayavander.

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