For this week’s instalment of How I Do It, the weekly series that gives you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger, we hear from Phoebe, a 21-year-old with endometriosis.

Phoebe, who works as a freelance journalist and identifies as pansexual, has been in a relationship with the same guy since they were in year 10.

She says ‘sex has always been a difficult subject’ for her, due to the chronic pain her endometriosis – a condition where cells like the ones in the lining of the womb are found elsewhere in the body – causes.

The condition can also make sex incredibly painful, and Phoebe is on a lot of meds as well as being in medically induced menopause.

Describing the pain as something that can make ‘you feel naked in a whole new way’, Phoebe adds: ‘While I am incredibly secure in my relationship, I still can’t shake the feelings of guilt and insecurity about my inability to have sex at times.’

Her partner has a higher sex drive than she does, but he’s ‘patient and understanding’ of everything she goes through.

While she’d like her sex life to be ‘easier’, she appreciates the way he knows just what she likes in the bedroom, as well as the boundaries they’ve set with each other, the patience they share and their ability to communicate.

‘He is gentle and patient when I need it,’ Phoebe says, ‘but also knows how to please me and make me cum.’

Tuesday

Today started out as a pretty mundane day. My partner has been working long hours recently, so we haven’t seen too much of each other.

When he got home, we discussed our days, as usual, before we ate together and then spent some time doing our own thing. I had been having a rough couple of days pain-wise, and he had been finishing late, so it had been a while since we last had sex.

The horniness from a lack of action was definitely brewing, as, after a couple of minutes of cuddling, things quickly became more sexual. 

After some kissing and foreplay, I rode him in a seated cowgirl position. This is definitely one of my favourite positions – I love how intimate it feels, and how you can maintain eye contact and continue to make out.

Unfortunately, though, it is not the best position for avoiding pain as it involves a lot of deep penetration. (Oh endometriosis, how could you be so cruel?) 

When this started to cause me discomfort, we stopped and he touched me until I finished.

We made out some more, before going doggy-style until he came. We then got ready for bed and cuddled until we were ready to fall asleep.

Wednesday

Today was a moderate pain day for me – nothing too severe, but enough to feel discomfort throughout the day.

I had to use my hot water bottle all morning but managed to be without it when we spent some time with my partner’s family in the afternoon. I did have to rely on my pain meds today, though.

After a busy day, we were both quite tired by the evening. My partner tried to initiate some intimacy, but I was struggling a lot with hot flushes (they tend to be worse for me at night), so there is not much action.

Instead, we snuggled on the sofa and watched some TV.

Thursday

After an early start, we got to spend today with my family for my sister’s birthday. We live a couple of hours away from our hometown as my partner is at university, so we try to see our family whenever we can.

We also had to travel home and move some furniture into our new flat, so it was definitely a very full-on, busy day.

By the time we were settled, it was almost midnight, and we were shattered. What was moderate pain yesterday was slowly worsening, so sex was off the cards for me today. I did, however, pleasure my partner.

After making out for some time, I went down on him. I alternated between tossing him off and giving him oral until he came. We then went to bed.

For clarification, my partner will always ask if he can return the favour – it is always my own decision to pass, as sexual acts only ever worsen my pain on days like this. Besides, I get pleasure and enjoyment out of pleasuring my partner alone.

I can still feel intimate with him without climaxing myself, and I know this takes away my partner’s anxieties about hurting me. I like the feeling of being in control and watching my partner climax – it means I can still feel sexy and desirable even on my bad pain days, and we are both happy and fulfilled in our sex lives despite my difficulties with penetration.

Friday

Today did not get off to a very good start. At around 1am, I was now experiencing a full-blown bladder flare-up, and I was in agony.

I was alternating between lying on the bathroom floor with a blanket to keep me warm, and trying to use the toilet. Even when I cannot pee anymore, for some reason the only position I can feel any alleviation of my pain in is when I’m on the toilet.

By this point, my prescribed pain meds hardly touch the agony I feel, so I am forced to wait in the bathroom with my hot water bottles and heat pads until the pain becomes more bearable. I didn’t manage to make it back to bed until around 3:30am.

I then got up at around 8am, as I had some work to do, and knew that I needed to listen out for the door as someone was coming to fit our broadband between 8am and 6pm (what is with these obscenely long time frames?).

I dragged my laptop to my bed (which is currently a mattress on the floor – oh, the joys of moving home), and started responding to emails, brainstorming some new pitch ideas, and editing my current articles.

The pain had calmed down significantly from earlier in the morning but was still a solid 6/10.

My partner went out out tonight for a friend’s birthday, and I stayed home and had a quiet night in, so anything sexual was a no-go today.

Saturday

Today I went to Brighton Pride. I still struggled with pain but managed to push through for a couple of hours.

My pain today was about a 5/10 – so nothing close to how painful it had been yesterday. With the use of my pain meds and heat therapy, I managed to function ‘as usual’.  

After not seeing each other yesterday, we had a chilled night in with my partner’s university housemates.

When everyone had gone to bed, my partner initiated sex. We tried missionary, spooning, and doggy-style but eventually stopped as I was finding it too uncomfortable.

We were both tired, and the discomfort upset me slightly, so we settled for cuddles before getting ready for bed and going to sleep.

Sunday

Today was a ‘good pain day’, as far as those kinds of days go for me. I took this as a chance to run as many errands as I could – getting the bus to pick up some groceries, dropping off some lunch for my partner at work, and even stopping at the beach to read my book. 

When my partner had finished work, we spent the evening with our friends. After the built-up sexual frustration from yesterday, we were quick to pounce on one another when we got the chance.

We passionately made out, undressing each other like excited teenagers. My partner went down on me until I came, and then we had penetrative sex.

We started with slow, kissy missionary, and eventually changed to doggy-style until my partner finished. After cuddling, we made out some more, before touching each other until we climaxed.

Good pain days are a rare occasion for me at the moment, so we take full advantage when it comes to our sex life.

Monday

Today was my partner’s last day at work for a couple of days, so I spent the afternoon doing housework, laundry, and making sure I dealt with errands so that we could actually spend quality time together on his days off. I then answered emails and worked on my current articles. 

In the evening, we went on a night out with some of my partner’s work friends, which marked my first sober night out. I cannot drink due to how much it irritates my bladder.

It was definitely a strange experience – I really enjoy clubbing and drinking, which makes my decision to stay sober a challenge sometimes, especially when everyone around me is actively drinking.

I was proud of myself for resisting temptation, though, and doing what is best for my health – which is a decision I have often compromised when it comes to saying no to things in these environments. 

By the time we got home, my partner was steaming (an incredibly funny sight to see, especially when clear-headed), so after the obligatory post-night-out pint of water and something to eat, we went to bed and I cuddled him and played with his hair until he fell asleep. Not much later, I was asleep too.

How I Do It

In Metro.co.uk’s How I Do It you get a sneak peek into a week of a person’s sex and love life – from vanilla love-making to fetishes, threesomes and polyamorous relationships, they reveal it all.

Fancy taking part yourself? Email [email protected] for more information.

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