I can't stop cheating on my loving partner with my hot but toxic ex

DEAR DEIDRE: I AM having hot sex with my ex, both online and in person. We are obsessed with each other and just can’t unhook.

Though I have a lovely new partner, I don’t feel guilty. But he would be gutted if he knew.


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My ex and I got together six years ago, at school.

He was known as a “bad boy” and was, and is, very good-looking. We are both 22.

He cheated on me many times but we still moved in together when we were 17.

We had terrible home lives, so it seemed like a good idea.

Looking back, we weren’t ready.

We both struggled to hold down jobs, were always short of money and used to take it out on one another in terrible rows.

Sometimes those fights became physical — I was as bad as him.

The one thing that was always great in our relationship was the sex.

I still fancy him and he says there is no one like me for him.

But that didn’t stop us splitting up three years ago.

Things had got really toxic by then and we were having rows every day.

Ever since, we have messaged each other most days, winding each other up talking about the other people we are seeing.

We even lie purely to make each other jealous.

I’ve tried blocking him but can’t resist and end up unblocking him. He’s the same.

We regularly have video sex and know just how to get to each other.

We’ve met a few times too and it’s still the best sex.

But I am seeing a great guy now and I know I’m risking this relationship.

He is 28, caring, has a great job and talks about plans for the future.

So why can’t I break with my ex?

And why don’t I feel guilty about our secret sex?

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DEIDRE SAYS: You and this ex both had difficult home lives and did a lot of growing up together.

There is the making of a lasting friendship in that but you two also share strong sexual chemistry.

So no wonder you are finding it hard to make the break.

But there is still a toxic side to this relationship too.

Your rows have turned violent in the past and could do so again if you were together.

Neither of you grew up seeing loving adults resolve conflict peacefully.

Counselling can help you get the insight you need to decide whether you can try again with your ex – in a safe, stable way – or find the willpower to step away from him for good.

Contact The Mix, which gives support to under-25s (themix.org.uk, 0808 808 4994).

But don’t waste time or, whatever you decide, you will lose the caring man you have right now.

And remember, cheating means you are risking transmitting Covid.

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