In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
I’m a 46-year-old woman who's never been married. My daughter is 22 and is currently living in South America for work so I live alone. In June, a male friend of hers came to the house to collect something of hers. He was very flirty from the off and I fancied him a lot, so I invited him in for coffee. To cut a long story short, we’ve been sleeping together regularly since then.
He’s 23 but we do have a lot in common, we like the same bands, and we have similar interests and a similar world view. I can feel myself becoming increasingly emotionally attached to him as we spend more time together. We haven’t yet had any kind of conversation about where this is going or how he feels.
He treats me with respect, and he is consistently in contact with me, so my instinct tells me his feelings are reciprocated. My concerns are this: I know that age gaps can be problematic, am I being completely naïve about the fact that maybe I’m a predator of some sort? Can an age gap like this ever work? Do you think I should tell my daughter? How can I talk to him about my feelings without bursting the bubble and scaring him off?
Lala says…
It sounds like you’re having a great time with a sexy man who you get on well with – I hate that I can't stop there. Why is dating/love/sex so complicated? I understand why you are experiencing anxiety about the age gap and what happens next. I have written a lot about age gapsbecause there are some things to think about when there is a big gap in a couple.
Big age gaps aren’t inherently bad, and sometimes they work extremely well, but there are some risks associated with them; like the potential for the older person to rush the younger one into having kids or marriage too soon, or the potential for control and imbalanced power dynamics.
And of course, the fact that sometimes older people (usually men) can be predatory in their approach, like social influencer Andrew Tate who says that he intentionally dates teenagers so that he can leave an imprint on them and because they are pure, or Leonardo Di Caprio who dumps all his girlfriends when they turn 25 and quickly replaces them with another 21-year-old.
It is not predatory to meet someone that you like who happens to be much younger than you, and there is nothing wrong with the gap unless there is something wrong – so, if you know that you are respecting the stage of life he’s at, you’re not using your age to manipulate him into allowing you to be in control, and you’re not intentionally targeting younger men for sinister reasons, then it doesn’t sound like you’re being predatory at all. You’re just enjoying him for who he is, there is nothing wrong with that.
BUT his age is likely to be a factor that could lead to issues. Whilst age gaps can work very well, there are issues that can arise that can cause problems. Like the fact that he may want children at some point, or that you may be more financially secure than him, or anxiety that he will leave for someone younger. These are all things that can be discussed and worked through if you get on well and have good communication though, and they are all things that could arise in any relationship.
I really relate to your anxiety about whether to talk to him about your feelings. I think the first thing to think about is what outcome you’re looking for. Do you simply want to declare your feelings and see if he feels the same and then carry on as normal, or do you want this conversation to lead to a progression in your relationship? Do you actually want a full-blown relationship with him, or just some clarity about exclusivity and what you mean to each other?
A relationship can’t be based on liking the same bands, do you even have enough to realistically take things to that level or are you being swayed by excitement and lust? Be honest with yourself, and then when you’ve figured out where your head is at, be honest with him.
He's either going to tell you he doesn’t feel the same and that he just sees this as sex, or he’s going to tell you he feels the same, but he doesn’t want a relationship, or he’s going to tell you he feels the same and he wants a relationship. If having the conversation freaks him out and scares him off, then you’ve done yourself a favour and saved yourself a lot of time. It sounds like you’re not able to freely enjoy the casual fun you’ve been having because you have developed feelings and it’s leading you to obsess over all the potential issues.
The best way to release yourself from the anxiety is to have the conversation so that you have clarity either way. The alternative is to not burst the bubble and carry-on having a casual relationship and to try to minimise your feelings, but we all know that’s virtually impossible.
Whether to tell your daughter or not is something only you can decide. I’m trying to think about whether I’d want to know if my mum was sleeping with my mate, I’m shuddering at the thought. Honesty does tend to be the best policy for most things, and perhaps she might have some information on him that changes your feelings, but you do need to weigh up whether she will see this as a betrayal or humiliation, and whether she is likely to find out from him or their friends.
If so, then you should really be the one to tell her. But no matter what happens never let go of the fact that, for a few months, you had a really great time with a great person, and sometimes that’s enough.
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