HAD enough of other people offloading their frustration on to you? Here’s how to avoid taking it on board 

You may know how to calm your own stress levels, but what if you’re surrounded by other people’s dramas and it’s becoming all-consuming?

“Listening to people’s stress means you might end up absorbing it yourself,” says Ammanda Major from counselling charity Relate.

Read on for how best to cope in various situations…

Remember, Not All Stress Is Bad

First of all, it is normal to be stressed sometimes. “We tend to think that if our lives are working perfectly, we’d never feel stressed or anxious, but actually, these feelings are normal parts of everyday life,” says Ammanda.

It’s if you’re feeling permanently stressed that it can cause problems, including trouble sleeping, low energy, bowel issues and high blood pressure.

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“The key thing is to recognise when stress is getting in the way of making sensible decisions,” says Ammanda.

Coping when Someone Inflicts Their Stress On You

Encountering a person who is in a tizz can really throw you. “Take a breath and be aware of what’s happening,” says Ammanda.

“Often, people around you can get really stressed and you find yourself absorbing it without realising. Suddenly, you’re left feeling stressed and out of control, too.”

Whoever it is that’s triggered this emotional turmoil, Ammanda recommends counting to 10. 

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“Give yourself that moment to breathe, as opposed to reacting — this can be very useful.”

Then ask yourself a few questions about the situation. Your answers will depend on the context and what the person means to you: 

• Whose stress is this? Who does it really belong to?  
• Should I be feeling stressed or anxious about what’s happened as well?
• Am I feeling stressed because of someone, or am I stressed in my own right?
• Is this something I need to join in on? If so, do I need to make a quick response or should I take a moment to get my head around it?
• To what extent do I want to accept this person’s stress levels?

Navigating Fraught Friends

When it’s a pal offloading their stress on to you, consider how one-way the relationship is or has become.

“If, every time you see them, they bomb you with all this stuff they’re upset about, they’ll likely go away feeling so much better, as they've had someone’s undivided attention. 

But if you find yourself thinking: ‘I feel drained. That’s the second time this week they’ve offloaded on me’, ask yourself: ‘Is this friendship really working for me?’” says Ammanda.  

She suggests trying to share some of your stresses in return, while being alert to the other person turning the conversation right back to themselves.

“One reason people keep offloading is because they feel unheard,” she explains. “It could be because they’re getting signals they’re not really being heard, but sometimes it’s that they can never be heard enough.”

If you feel you have a good friendship, you should feel able to raise the imbalance. “Hopefully, that will give you the opportunity to say: ‘Can I ask you to stop? I’ve had a terrible day as well. I’d hoped I might share my stress with you. I feel it’s a bit one-way at the moment. What do you think?’ They might not agree, in which case, think about how much time you really want to spend with them,” adds Ammanda.

Dealing With A Harried Family Member

Much like with friends, with relatives it’s about feeling able to challenge the unspoken rules and roles you might have taken on without realising. Perhaps you’re “the listener” – the one everyone moans to after an argument – or the one they lash out at when things aren’t going their way.

“This is where counselling can help you understand yourself a bit better, how you do things in relation to other people and whether you want that to be different,” says Ammanda. 

One role you might have inadvertently fallen into is that of “the fixer”. Ammanda says: “That’s when everybody goes to you because they hope to get a solution.”

However, chances are, you’re used as a stress dumping ground. “When people tell us about stressful things, we want to give advice, and that’s fine. But what often happens is they just present you with the same problem two weeks later. 

“You could say: ‘We talked about this and I suggested X, Y and Z. Did you do that?’ And they may say: ‘No, I haven’t’, and then tell you the whole story again.”

Ammanda says you have to pick your battles and accept that, although you may feel like you need to fix things, it’s not in your power.

She adds: “It might be best to say: ‘Can I stop you there? I don’t think I can help you. I’ve already said my bit.’” 

Managing A highly-strung Boss

At work, there’s a hierarchy to contend with. “If your boss is very stressed, it might actually be part of your job description to do things to help them to be less so,” says Ammanda. “Presenting a problem that’s quickly followed by the solution can work well.

“But if your boss is overwhelming you with their mood, things can be trickier. Ideally, you’d feel comfortable enough to say something like: ‘I am feeling really stressed because I don’t feel I have enough support. There are not enough resources. Can we talk about that, please?’ But that isn’t always possible.

“In a work situation, there is an imbalance of power. Your boss has more power than you by nature of being your manager,” says Ammanda. “But if you feel like you are being unfairly treated, you can raise a grievance at work.” For more information on what this involves, see Gov.uk/raise-grievance-at-work.

Looking Out For An Anxious Partner

Is stress seeping into your relationship? “Ask your partner about it,” says Ammanda.

“Instead of saying: ‘You’re stressed and it’s stressing me out,’ it’s important to use ‘I’ statements, such as: ‘I’m feeling concerned for you because I’ve noticed you seem really stressed. Is there anything you’d like to talk about?’”

Steer clear of being overly reassuring. “People say: ‘Don’t worry about that, it’s fine’, but  it might not be fine if someone is waiting for health test results, perhaps,” says Ammanda.

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“Instead, say: ‘I’m wondering if you feel stressed about these tests. Can we talk about that?’ Then you’re not trying to ‘fix’ their stress, but inviting them to join or decline a conversation around it.” 

WHEN IT ABSOLUTELY ISN’T YOUR RESPONSIBILITY

In abusive situations, the advice is different.

“In coercively controlling relationships, abusers will often create stressful situations and tell their partner it’s their fault. That requires a different intervention, because the fault lies entirely with the abuser,” says Ammanda.

“Leaving those relationships is very difficult and often dangerous. At Relate we always recommend seeking professional help.”

Contact the free 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247 and visit Refuge for support at Nationaldahelpline.org.uk.

Illustration: Getty Images  Visit Relate.org.uk

Visit Relate.org.uk

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