I'm convinced my wife has cheated on me – but I have no proof

DEAR DEIDRE: I AM convinced my wife has cheated on me – though I don’t have proof – and I feel like I’m going insane.

What I have is one silly comment and a hunch.


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I am constantly on the lookout for more evidence and have turned detective on many occasions, snooping through her handbag, messages and computer history, without joy.

What can I do? I have tried to move on and ignore my suspicions but they keep bubbling up.

I haven’t been sleeping, am drinking too much and feel on edge the whole time.

My wife is 38, I am 45 and we have been married for three years.

It has been smooth sailing but recently I feel something has changed. I can’t put my finger on what, though. She just feels more distant.

She is still just as affectionate as before, and open with her phone and computer. But something feels off.

I started to get this sense after lockdown.

My wife works for a design agency, and it asked everyone to start coming into the office each Tuesday.

She would spend the whole week planning what to wear, and would get really glammed up.

One Tuesday, she returned tipsy after drinks. She stumbled through the door, so I helped her up to bed.

As I unzipped her dress, she thanked me and said: “You’re a good husband. If only you were as good-looking as my boss.”

I laughed it off, and assumed the booze was talking.

But as I helped her into bed, I’m sure I got a whiff of a man’s aftershave. I couldn’t help but wonder if something had happened between them earlier that night.

I haven’t brought it up — my wife hates it when I overthink, and I don’t want to cause an argument over nothing.

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We are in a good place but I can’t get those worries out of my head.

What if something did happen between them? And what if she wants it to happen again?

DEIDRE SAYS: The change you have noticed could be down to you withdrawing.

And while your wife might not love your tendency to overthink, this is something worth discussing.

In a calm and quiet moment, explain your fears. And make a pact with yourself that you will take her answer as final.

If nothing has happened, for your own sake put everything into moving on.

Have you been lied to in the past? You may have been affected by a previous infidelity which is making you hyper-vigilant.

Counselling would help you to process this and my support pack How Counselling Works will advise you.

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