In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.
With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.
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Dear Lala,
I’ve been single for a while, but eight weeks ago I met a man through mutual friends on a night out and we’ve been seeing each other regularly ever since. I really like him and feel very safe around him (he has close female friends who I’ve met too).
Six weeks into seeing each other he disclosed that he’s currently on the sex offenders register after serving seven years for rape and that he was released from prison five years ago. He says that he has no recollection of the rape, it happened on a night out and he wasn’t arrested until three years later. This is the only information he has given me.
At the time, he was dating a police officer (the mother of his son), who stayed with him and visited him in prison. However, she’s now saying she doesn’t want him to have any contact with his son due to his conviction.
As he’s on the sex offenders register, he was supposed to inform me about his history before we became close. He apologised for waiting until after we’d slept together to tell me.
We see each other nearly every day and if I didn’t know about his history there would be zero red flags. He’s the first man I’ve met in a long time who I connect with. We aren’t in a relationship, but we are exclusive.
I have two children – a 16-year-old daughter and eight-year-old son. He hasn’t met them yet.
He has told me that he will answer any questions, but he hasn’t told me much as he says he can’t remember. I've googled him, but nothing comes up. Do I need to run?
Lala says…
I can already hear everyone in the comments screaming 'RUN', and I think their instinct would be right. But I also understand how rare it is to meet someone who you like who likes you back. It’s like a needle in a haystack, so when something comes up that tells you that you should throw that needle away, even though it hasn’t pricked you yet, it can be very hard to accept.
I guess you’re hanging on to the possibility that whilst he has been convicted of rape, it may well be a one-off, something that happened when he was young and drunk, and not something that indicates a propensity for ongoing violence against women. But how will you know? You’d have to wait around to see if he ever harms you or your children or anyone else. Is that a risk worth taking for a man you’ve been seeing for eight weeks?
The fact that he served seven years may indicate that he was sentenced to 14 (offenders tend to serve half their given sentence, though that's not always the case). 14 years for rape is at the higher end of the maximum sentencing guidelines and a sentence like that might indicate that there were other aggravating factors or that it wasn’t his first offence of that nature. It's extremely hard to convince juries to give a guilty verdict in rape trials, so his guilt plus the length of the sentence is worrying.
If he is still a registered sex offender and remains on licence, then he should be monitored by police and probation. He will have to inform them of any new relationships he has, and they may wish to meet you. They may also decide to make a referral to social services so that they can assess whether there are any safeguarding concerns in relation to your children.
The fact that you have a 16-year-old daughter concerns me as she may be particularly vulnerable to harm in this scenario. I would need full information about his history before I could complete that risk assessment, but going by the little we know, I would be erring on the side of caution.
I don’t think we should be praising him for disclosing because he has no choice. He knows that you will be informed in the long run by the police, so he doesn’t deserve brownie points. In fact, he loses some points by waiting until you had feelings before informing you. I’m sure you would have run fast if he’d told you on your first date and he knows that, so we already have a flag for 'manipulation' here.
I also think that the fact that he has given you such minimal information is a bad sign. He may well not be able to remember the incident itself (although REALLY? I’m not sure I buy that) but he should certainly remember what was said at the trial. He is aware of exactly what he’s been accused of, and I think he might be hiding that from you intentionally.
I can see how the fact that his ex was a police officer looks like a green flag, but I think you should focus more on the fact that currently she's trying to remove contact between him and their child. The fact that she endorsed him at the time is not an indicator of innocence – it could be an indicator that they were in an abusive relationship. Just because he’s lovely and feels safe now doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the capacity to completely change. Even the worst of people can play nice at the beginning.
I would recommend making an application to the Police for disclosure of his criminal history under Clare’s Law. It will come back that he’s been convicted of rape, but they may also be able to give you more details about the exact nature of the offence and whether he has any previous convictions or charges.
It may take a while for you to get that information back, in the meantime, do you really want to continue growing feelings for someone who you are likely to have to end it with soon anyway? If you were a single woman with no children, I’d still be telling you to consider running, but adults with no dependents are freer to take calculated risks as it’s only them who will be harmed if the risk plays out. Parents can’t take calculated risks in the same way because we have kids to protect. Run.
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