Welcome back to our weekly Sex Column, the series where experts offer advice to struggling daters on navigating the sticky world of romance.
Last week, we helped someone whose ex was taking them for a ride.
This time around we’re dealing with a good-looking guy who can’t perform in the bedroom for attractive women, so goes for ‘average’ women instead.
Does he need to reassess his relationship with women? Or should he focus on getting rid of his performance anxiety? Or maybe he needs to do both?
Let’s see if this is a problem that can be solved…
The problem:
‘I realise it sounds conceited but I’m a good-looking guy (I wouldn’t mention this if it wasn’t part of the problem).
‘I go to the gym a lot, have a nice physique, take care of my appearance and, dare I say it, I’m quite successful with women.
‘However, I like to go for girls who are plain and not all that attractive, and most of my girlfriends you wouldn’t look twice at. My mates take the mickey out of me and say I obviously like to look good next to the girl I’m with.
‘But actually, that’s not the problem. I’ve never told anyone but the better looking a girl is, the more I have trouble performing in bed. Sometimes I can’t even get an erection or I finish before I’ve even started.
‘On the other hand, if I’m with a girl who is average, I have no trouble satisfying her or myself. But I don’t take these girls seriously, it’s just sex.
‘This has become such a massive problem in my head that I have trouble controlling my anxiety when a pretty girl comes on to me.
‘I thought I’d grow out of it but I’m approaching my late 20s and the situation seems to be getting worse.’
What the experts say:
Although you like to appear confident, anxiety is clearly an issue – so it’s time to work on your mind instead of your body.
‘Your outlook on sex and relationships is making you miserable,’ says James McConnachie. ‘Cancel one gym session a week and have some cognitive behavioural therapy instead.’
You say you’re successful with women, but McConnachie wonders how you define success.
‘To be honest, you sound a bit of a disaster,’ he says. ‘It’s time to find a woman you not only like but trust, and to be honest about your performance anxiety. Working on your sexual issues together could work well alongside CBT.’
Rupert Smith has some harsher words.
‘Power and status are part of the sexual dynamic and it seems you’re intimidated by those you consider your equals,’ he says. ‘You sound like one of those lecherous aristocrats who could only get off with servants.
‘It might be time to think about why status and power are so important to you and why you devalue those women with whom you achieve arousal.’
All our experts agree you put too much importance in looks.
‘By not putting yourself in the arena to date women who are as attractive as you, you’re protecting yourself from rejection,’ says Angharad Rudkin.
‘But looks fade and what we are left with is a sense of self. Work on yours and you will have a better chance of enjoying life and love.’
There’s more to dating than sex, so stop treating girlfriends as sex objects and try to make meaningful connections. A more genuine relationship will do wonders for your performance.
The Experts:
Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
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