DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend has casually mentioned that she often fantasises about other men while pleasuring herself – and I now feel absolutely crushed.
I don’t have any issues with the fact she pleasures herself, I think that’s healthy.
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My worry is that she is going out with me and yet lusting after other men — blokes who are in her life or have been.
Surely I should be enough. I’m 26 and she is 25. We’ve been together for a year and are attracted to each other.
I would describe our sex life as very healthy.
Recently I went away on a lads’ holiday for ten days and couldn’t wait to see her and jump into bed when I got back.
We were messing about and I joked that my own touch was nowhere near as good as being back with her.
She replied: “Well, I’ve been getting a bit bored of fantasising about exes and that fit barman I told you about.”
When I grilled her about what she meant, she was very blasé and explained when she was alone, she would dip into her “memory bank” or imagine what it would be like to have sex with someone she fancied.
I was really upset by this and couldn’t carry on getting physical with her.
She couldn’t understand why I took it so badly and tried to explain how she and her ex would often talk about having sex with other people.
He would even encourage her to remember some of those sexual encounters as she was pleasuring herself.
Apparently, this turned them both on, but it has had the opposite effect on me. It has made me feel like I’m not enough for my woman and I’m starting to really doubt myself.
I accept that she has a sexual past but I don’t want to know all the intimate details — it’s just too much.
I really look after myself, get plenty of attention from other women and would class myself as an eight out of ten.
I’ll admit that I watch porn every now and again to orgasm on my own but those women are not in my life and I’m never going to meet them.
My girlfriend, on the other hand, is fantasising about real people who are in her life.
It seems she is just not satisfied with me.
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DEIDRE SAYS: The fact she is fantasising about other men doesn’t mean you are not enough for her.
Her former boyfriend encouraged her to think of other men and found this a turn-on, so she was probably expecting the same kind of reaction from you.
You can sort this out by calmly explaining you don’t enjoy hearing about these thoughts, and more than that, they have prompted you to lose self confidence.
Lots of people have fantasies that turn them on, but they wouldn’t ever act on them in real life.
My support pack on sexual fantasies will have some useful ideas for you to read.
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