DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE just found out that my husband is still seeing the home-wrecking woman who split us up seven years ago. I am gutted.
I believed him back then when he told me he had ended the affair.
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So even though I threw him out and didn’t feel I could trust him any more in our marriage, we continued to run our business together.
Neither of us has ever brought up divorce and so we are still married. I thought we were still very close.
The only thing missing is sex, although we have nearly ended up in bed a handful of times. He was, and still is, the love of my life. I am 42 and he is 45.
I’d always been passionate about the vows we took, and he knew that if he ever cheated, that would be it.
I discovered their affair five years into our marriage, when I saw texts come up from a client of ours once too often.
She’s now 37 and she was single. When I caught him out he denied it at first but I called her and she didn’t deny seeing him.
The next day he told me he had ended the affair but I was true to my word and threw him out. We have continued to work together.
A couple of weeks ago, I found a form he had filled in applying to the bank for a business loan. The same woman had filled it in too and signed it as his “partner”. I was shocked.
I feel like he’s rubbed my face in it all over again. He didn’t seem to grasp that I felt so betrayed and he said, “I’m sorry but we haven’t been together for years.”
I told him he has to leave her or I will walk away from the business. He looked shocked. He said he was going to stay with his brother and would think about what he wanted.
We have kept working online as best we can but I have hardly spoken to him, apart from by text.
On a walk with a friend, I saw him drive into her road. I’d like to sue her for breaking my marriage but I know I can’t. I feel so sad.
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DEIDRE SAYS: You are married on paper but that’s where it ends. You have not been in a true relationship for a long while and it is time to accept it is over.
It is tough for you but if you had found love elsewhere in the past 12 years, you would have told your husband and expected him to accept it. You ended your relationship but deep down, you hoped he would come back to you. It is time to admit defeat.
Find emotional support to get the wheels in motion for a divorce through Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960).
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