How to make a unforgettable first impression in bed! Men tell Tracey Cox the seven things they wish women would do

• First-time sex can be a mixture of nerves, excitements and performance anxiety
• Men say being too self-conscious is a turn off, and they’re not judging bodies
• They also like women to take charge and be vocal about pleasure in bed 
• Women like getting compliments and being made to feel wanted by partner  

That very first time. It can be out-of-this-world extraordinary…or a bitter disappointment.

Which is why everyone feels an equal measure of nerves along with excitement when it’s going to finally happen.

Keen to impress and let your lover know they’re in for a lifetime of great sex?

Here’s a round-up of what most people want from a partner, the very first time they hit the sack.

If you’re keen to impress your lover and prove they’re in for a lifetime of great sex, there are seven crucial moves to remember the first time you get intimate (stock image)

1. Keep the lights on

‘My biggest fear is that I won’t be able to find her clitoris. At least give me a fighting chance by letting me see what I’m aiming for.’

A bit of mood lighting is great (and preferable to a glaringly bright room) but total darkness isn’t. It’s hard enough for him to guess if you’re enjoying what he’s doing by looking into your face and reading your body language. Trying to determine it when he can’t see a thing is damn near impossible. He’s not an idiot if he can’t pin down that pesky clitoris; some do a brilliant job hiding beneath the hood.

Besides, your motivation for wanting to hide is obvious – and his second request.

2. Don’t stress about your body

‘I slept with one girl who was so paranoid, she wouldn’t let me touch her anywhere. She kept pushing my hands away and saying things like, “Don’t touch my stomach, it’s revolting”. I gave up after a while and sex didn’t happen at all.’

Insisting on darkness, hiding under the covers, keeping your bra on because you don’t like your breasts, wearing a T-shirt to bed – we’re getting better but a lot of women are still unnecessarily self-critical about their bodies.

Thing is most men aren’t.

They’re so happy they’re about to have sex, they’re excited not looking you up and down with a judgemental eye.

OUT TO IMPRESS HIM? TRY THESE FOUR TRICKS 

Here’s how to handle his most precious part.

Get comfy: The best way to manipulate him isn’t side-by-side. Instead, lie on your back with your knees bent and get him to straddle your stomach on his knees. Both of you get a great view and he can work on you at the same time.

Switch sensations: No matter how good a technique feels, our bodies rapidly become desensitized. You really can have too much of a good thin.! Try alternating a fast, firm touch with a slow, softer one, switching between the two every few minutes.

Switch sides: Instead of focusing on the whole shaft, stimulate one side of his penis at a time. Start with one hand holding the penis around the base, fingers flat on his pubic hair. Wrap your other hand around the base of his penis, then let it glide smoothly up to the head, letting your palm massage the head, before sliding down the opposite side. Don’t let your hand lose contact at any point and don’t be frightened to take a good, firm grip.

Finish the job properly: A lot of women are rubbish when it comes to hand-job finales. We either stop too soon or go too heavy too long. The ‘correct’ way to take him through to a seamless climax is to stroke quickly as he approaches orgasm, using firm pressure and without loosening your hold. As you feel the start of his orgasm (his testicles lift toward his body and you can feel contractions as the semen is ejaculated), lighten your strokes. Stop completely when the semen stops coming out.

If the sex is a one-off, who cares if they think your thighs are too big or your booty not big enough? If you’re hoping it’s going to develop into a relationship, what’s the point of hiding body parts? He’s going to see you naked at some point.

Worrying about how your genitals look and taste like is wasted energy that will sabotage the sex session. Vulvas come in every conceivable size and shape: there is no ‘right’ way to look, so give up on conforming to some ideal.

Smelling and tasting fresh is something everyone wants, not just the first time but every time they have sex. Shower before sex or give yourself a freshen-up wash if you want to. But then relax and focus on what you’re feeling not on how you might be looking, smelling or tasting.

3. Don’t overreact if all doesn’t go to plan

‘The pressure to get a big, hard erection that very first time is immense. If I see her face drop if I lose it for a mere minute or two, it’s game over.’

It really helps to remember you aren’t the only one out to impress that very first time. Performance anxiety is real, and an anxious owner makes for a penis that doesn’t want to come out and play.

It’s normal for him to have erection issues the first time. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t fancy you or that your body isn’t good enough. It just means he’s as nervous as you are. Ditto if he climaxes too soon or takes too long.

4. Be active

‘My ex-wife always took charge in bed. It was depressing, after our divorce, to be back out there and realise nothing’s changed. Most women still lie back and think of England.’

I’m not suggesting you bounce around the bed like a four-year-old who’s just consumed their body weight in sweets at grandma’s but please don’t leave it up to him to make all the moves.

Sex is tiring – it’s unfair to leave him to make all the effort. It’s also patronising, insinuating that simply allowing him to have sex with you should be enough of a turn-on.

Don’t be a ‘dead starfish’: get active! Get on top and ride him. Grab what you want and don’t be shy; put his hands where you want them, give direction and feedback. Tell him what to do and what you like. Say it like this: ‘Can you move slightly to the left? Oh my God, right there, that feels amazing. Keep going and don’t stop’.

5. Give great oral sex

‘A woman who goes down on you without being asked and who really enjoys it: you’ve hit the jackpot.’

Tracey Cox has revealed the moves that will seriously impress your love the first time you have sex 

First up, you’ll be wanting this favour very much returned. Secondly, it’s not only one of his favourite things, doing it unasked shows you’re as interested in giving as you are receiving pleasure. Let him see you get equally as turned on, watching him get aroused.

A lot of the men I interviewed for this article said they can ‘feel’ if a woman is during it purely to please. ‘It’s painfully obvious.’

6. Let us know you’re enjoying it

‘I seriously had no idea whether she’d just had the best sex of her life or hated every second. She gave no clues whatsoever.’

Moaning loudly and pretending you like everything he does is embarrassing for both of you. But you do need to give feedback – and lots of women don’t.

A genuine moan or groan of pleasure. A whispered, ‘Mmmmmm. That feels great!’. We all thrive on positive feedback and never is that more needed than the very first time you sleep with someone.

7. Park the post-sex anxiety

‘I feel tired after sex. I’m not up to having questions about where we’re headed flung at me in rapid succession.’

TOUCH TECHNIQUES THAT WORK ON EVERY WOMAN 

OK, there might be the odd woman out there who says, ‘Thanks but no thanks’; the rest will say ‘Hell, yes!’ if you use these erotic massage moves.

Double up: When she’s fully aroused and close to a climax, add lots of lube, cross your middle finger over your index finger and slide your fingers and out of her vagina, twisting like a screw.

Put the pressure on: Put lots of lube on the pads of your fingers and make circles around her clitoris. Start off with big, slow circles, making them smaller and faster as you continue. Vary the pressure of your fingertips: start lightly with the big circles, increase the pressure for the smaller ones. Change direction occasionally.

Walk the walk: Pretend your fingers are two legs and gently ‘walk’ up and down on her clitoral area, wiggling your fingers as you do so.

Get behind her: Get her to sit with her legs spread wide open, then sit behind her (your legs on the outside of hers). From behind, use one hand to stimulate her breasts, the other to work on her clitoris and your mouth to kiss her neck.

Women often feel anxious and vulnerable after they sleep with someone for the first time. If it was sex for sex sake, the old ‘Was that slutty?’ vibe can kick in.

If you really like them, you want to know if you/your body lived up to expectations and that it’s more than just sex for him.

It’s fine to ask for reassurance – far preferable than assuming the worst and getting all prickly and defensive. Another post-coital glow destroyer: snuggling in and fast-forwarding the relationship before it’s even started.

The more relaxed you are about the whole thing, the more smitten he’ll be. Be affectionate and shoot a few meaningful looks so he knows it meant something, but resist hanging onto his legs as he makes for the front door.

THE SEVEN THINGS SHE’S HOPING FOR

Time to turn the tables…

1. Give lots of compliments at the start

‘A younger guy I was sleeping with told me there was nothing old about me at all. ‘Even your feet are young’ he said. I’ve never forgotten it.’

Even if it’s a mumbled ‘Perfect breasts!’ or ‘Your skin feels so soft’, make some acknowledgement of the fact you’re thrilled you’ve finally got your hands on our bod.

Even if you think we’re a 10 and don’t need to be told it, tell us anyway. There’s nothing sexier than a lover looking you up and down, then straight into the eye, saying, ‘My God!’ in a strangled, overcome voice. Its daunting being naked in front of someone for the first time. Knowing you think we look great helps us relax into it.

2. Show us how much you want us

‘It’s hard for men because we kind of want him to be out of control and in control at the same time.’

A bit of caveman is a good thing. This doesn’t mean pushing us back on the bed, unzipping yourself and going for it. That we DON’T want. But being too tentative is an equal turn-off.

3. Once our consent has been given, go for it!

Undress us like we’re the most longed for present you’ve ever wanted. Let your eyes and fingers trail over every part, let us see naked lust in your eyes. Grab a handful of hair and pull it, grab our face and kiss us hard.

While we’re on that topic…

4. Kiss us – lots

‘Not kissing me properly first is like barging into my house without knocking on the door.’

Soft kisses on the lips. Deep kisses with an occasional tongue darting in and out. Nibbles and bites on the neck. Women love kissing so don’t rush through it to get to the ‘main event’ (for you that’s intercourse, foreplay’s the best part for us).

The slower you take everything, the better. Pay attention to our breasts, stroke our thighs. Again, dive straight for the good bits or (worse) try to penetrate after just a few minutes and you’ll be lucky if you have sex at all.

5. Give great oral sex

‘I can only orgasm with a partner through oral sex that’s done expertly. If he can’t deliver on that, it’s going to mean me using a vibrator to finish off and lots of guys hate that.’

For lots of women, oral sex technique is the acid test. Given it’s how most women orgasm, showing you like doing it and (even better) know how to do it well, gets you places.

It shows us you’re not squeamish about sex. And tells us you know this is how we’re going to climax and, rather than get huffy that your penis isn’t cutting it, bow graciously to Mother Nature who (unhelpfully) put the clitoris outside the vagina.

6. Let us orgasm first…

‘Everyone knows the second he’s done, sex is done.’

She comes first: this mantra should be taught in schools. It’s polite and it’s logical. Men usually save their orgasm for intercourse; while women enjoy penetration, they’re unlikely to orgasm that way. The most workable way to ensure an orgasm for both is for her to orgasm first through his tongue, fingers or with a sex toy and him to orgasm second through penetration.

…but don’t stress if we don’t

‘You can separate the men from the boys by what they do when you don’t have an orgasm. Men ask what they can do differently next time, boys ask what’s wrong with you.’

Some women need time to have an orgasm with a partner. They take a while to relax, and his technique may need tweaking. It doesn’t mean we haven’t enjoyed it or you’re a bad lover if an orgasm doesn’t happen. Acting all sulky or insulted isn’t going to endear us to you at all.

7. Say something nice afterward

‘I made us wait so there was a lot of pressure on our first time. It went OK but afterward, he didn’t say one word about what just happened. Just jumped up and took a shower. I was devastated.’

Some men clam up because they’re concerned they didn’t perform well – and don’t want verbal confirmation. If they rave about how great it was, you might come back with a dry, ‘Well, it was for one of us!’.

We get that. But you need to understand that women operate differently. If there was a problem, talking about it helps. If it was great, talking about it makes it even better. At the very least give us a squeeze and a kiss and say, ‘I think you’re amazing’.

Stuck on what to buy your partner for Christmas? Check out Tracey’s two product ranges, Tracey Cox Supersex and Tracey Cox Edge at traceycox.com and lovehoney.co.uk

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