I haven’t told my boyfriend that I am a pre-op transgender male-to-female and am now scared his brother will tell him and that will be the end of our relationship.
I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 24. We have been dating for three months. I am very feminine so it’s difficult to notice I am pre-op.
Beyond kissing, I haven’t had any sexual contact with my boyfriend as I am too scared to admit the truth about myself to him. He doesn’t seem to suspect a thing.
One night I was out with friends and someone tapped me on the shoulder when I was ordering a round of drinks.
I turned around and to my surprise, it was my boyfriend’s brother. I had met him only once very briefly at the beginning of our relationship, so I was amazed he recognised me.
He was out with his mates celebrating a promotion at work. He is 26. We got chatting and discovered we had so much in common. I really liked him and started to flirt with him on the dancefloor.
It felt so good. I didn’t give my boyfriend a second thought. He is a security guard and was working a night shift.
Towards the end of the night my boyfriend’s brother whispered to me asking if I’d like to go somewhere quieter and I agreed. We ended up going back to his flat.
We had passionate sex and he loved everything I had to offer. He admitted to me that he is bisexual and is attracted to me.
I really like my boyfriend but his brother is so hot. We agreed we would say nothing about what had happened but I am scared he will tell his brother the truth about me.
Should I come clean to my boyfriend and risk losing it all? He will be gutted and it will probably mean the end of our relationship but the guilt is killing me.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Cheating is very wrong but I suspect the guilt about what you got up to is tangled up with guilt about keeping such an important secret from your boyfriend, and also mixed feelings about which brother you really want to be with.
For starters you have to tell your boyfriend you are transitioning.
In reality I think he will have an idea. Even if he hasn’t acknowledged it to himself, he will have picked up subconscious signals and he is attracted to you for the person you are, so it may not spell the end of your relationship.
But that is pre-supposing he is the brother you want to be with. If not, best break with him and see if his brother is serious about his feelings for you.
You can find understanding through the Beaumont Society which supports the trans community (01582 412 220, beaumontsociety.org.uk).
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