WITH its endless stream of prize morons and their ridiculous trash talk, The Apprentice returned on Wednesday. And I couldn’t be more thrilled.
It may be billed as the job interview from hell but, quite unintentionally, it has become one of the greatest comedies on telly.
From Lord Sugar’s put-downs – he could definitely do stand-up – and the arched eyebrows of Baroness Karren Brady and Claude Littner, to the obligatory morning shots of candidates’ pants and bed hair, this reality show still packs a punch.
Striding confidently into its 14th series, the only thing that amazes me is that Lord Sugar is still willing to part with £250,000. But if he’s happy to do so, I’m happy to tune in.
And I just can’t get enough of the terrible ideas, cringeworthy pitches, childish bickering, back stabbing and staggering egos.
“I’m like a cash machine. If you push the right buttons, I will give you money!” yelled Idiot Number One.
Meanwhile, Sian claimed to be the “Beyonce of business”.
I can’t see her running the world though.
Elsewhere, Kurran claimed confidence was “oozing” from his skin. He should probably see a doctor about that.
At least they all looked good, dressed in snappy suits and dresses, having had 20minutes to get ready.
The first task saw them packed off to Malta to track down nine items. This means running around like headless chickens looking for something peculiar – one year I think it may have actually been headless chickens.
Jackie calmly threw Jasmine under the “first project manager” bus with a steely glare. Then they began the seven stages of The Apprentice – conviction, hope and enthusiasm, moving through fear and panic into full-on back stabbing and begging.
What followed was lots of people shouting over each other and some impressive running in heels.
Among other things, they had to source honeycomb, salt and a model Maltese house. But it was the octopus with 40 inch hose that had me in hysterics.
The Apprentice 2018
It’s a breathing device for scuba divers, so rather unnecessary to have stretched out an octopus’s tentacle and measured it. Karren later confessed she legged it out of the fishmonger’s for fear of giggling.
Sarah was the first to be fired. Her card was marked from the moment she said: “I’m not getting fired today.” Off she went in the cab of shame, with the usual shouts of: “You haven’t seen the last of me.”
I assure you, we have.
Oh, we do love the chance to shout “idiot” at the telly. Lord help them.
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