EPHRAIM HARDCASTLE: Rhodes to nowhere for Duran Duran star

Diana’s favourite rock band Duran Duran announce that they’re ‘so proud to be returning to our home town to close the Birmingham 2022 Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony’. My local source says: ‘Some wonder in these woke times – with colonialist Cecil Rhodes being vilified – if their co-founder Nick Rhodes now regrets changing his surname from Bates.’

Diana’s favourite rock band: (from left to right) Roger Taylor, Nick Rhodes, Simon Le Bon, and John Taylor of Duran Duran

Now based in East Sheen, south-west London, always convincing actor Roger Allam says he misses Stoke Newington, north London, and a Turkish restaurant there, confiding in Waitrose magazine: ‘They had something on the menu that went by the charming name of ‘ram’s reproductive organs’. I had to try them. What can I say? They were delicious. They don’t have them in East Sheen.’

Sounding off about son Boris’s fate, Stanley Johnson huffs on Piers Morgan Uncensored: ‘A squalid political assassination… I don’t see anything in this except political opportunism by the opponents… I spend a lot of time travelling abroad and they can’t believe what’s happened.’ Hardly an unexpected response but a consolation for Boris’s broken-hearted fans.

Meanwhile a scarecrow likeness of Boris in Wiltshire has been removed because ‘political statements are not allowed on Wiltshire Council property’. The scarecrow, pictured, was clutching a bottle of champagne, wearing a Vote Leave badge and featured a collection tin reading ‘Unemployed, please give generously, wife and kids to support’.

A scarecrow depicting Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been removed from public display by a council after branding it ‘poor taste’ and because ‘political statements are not allowed on Wiltshire Council property’

Russell Crowe boasts: ‘A very special experience as a family. Got to walk through the Vatican Museum by ourselves.’ The private tour of rooms usually closed to tourists came as he was preparing to play Vatican exorcist Father Gabriele Amorth, who died at 91 in 2016 and is said to have performed 100,000 exorcisms. His Holiness Pope Francis is said to be handy at exorcism himself.

Hugh Grant has taken it upon himself to apologise to foreign visitors for the way they are treated on arrival here, tweeting: ‘(Heathrow’s) Terminal 3… a disgrace and inhumane. I am afraid we have the worst Home Secretary in British history.’

Prince Charles posed with his mother for photos last week as the NHS was awarded the George Cross. His only previous NHS encounter might have been when he broke his arm playing polo in 1990 and went to the Queen’s Medical Centre, Nottingham, where they put it in a sling. He had shirtmaker Turnbull and Asser make him a set of one-armed shirts, with matching slings for the injured royal arm.

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