NICE of the royals to take our minds off this virus, isn’t it? You can’t say they don’t do their bit to help.
Like everyone else, I wish we could film the Queen wandering around each family member, saying: “OK, Anne, was it you who asked about the colour of Archie’s skin? Come on, out with it.
? Follow our Piers Morgan live blog for the latest on his GMB exit…
“You know what you’re like when you’ve had a few.”
Mind you, there is an irony in an allegation of racism made by someone married to a bloke who dressed up in Nazi uniform, but I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Much as there is an irony in a bloke like Harry moaning about colonialism when he was in Afghanistan with our Armed Forces.
That Oprah Winfrey interview wasn’t an interview.
It was a series of carefully rehearsed scenes designed to cause as much damage as possible to the Royal Family.
I have no time for either of them and, truth be told, I don’t think Piers Morgan went far enough.
Nor do I think Meghan got rough treatment because she’s of mixed race.
We may have been unkindly towards her because she is a self-obsessed American.
Colour didn’t come into it.
But what of the rest of them? Liz, Phil the Greek, Dimbo Andrew, Edward the Hairless — and our next king, the bloke who talks to dahlias, old Jug Ears?
They’re not the brightest bunch on God’s earth, for sure.
And of course, there is something bizarre in having a head of state who is not allowed to govern. But instead just flits between a succession of palaces playing with her dogs.
And, in fairness, going out and saying to lots of people: “End hev you come faaaar?”
I’m mildly in favour of the monarchy only because it reaches back so far into history — and a country should always revere its history, no matter what the woke nutters insist.
But the monarchy should always be about duty, service and reserve.
The royals should behave as Liz and Phil have behaved this last 70 years. As a focus for public adoration, and always remaining aloof.
That is what being royal is about. Always remaining remote, stiff upper- lipped and above the fray.
Not getting involved in politics — that’s why we chopped King Charles’s head off.
That’s why you can’t modernise the monarchy, as some are now saying we must. The monarchy is itself a hugely outdated concept.
Get rid of it, by all means. But don’t turn it into a kind of Hollywood parody of itself.
This was Meghan’s mistake, I think.
She thought she was marrying into a kind of celebritydom, a bit like you might find in Beverly Hills.
No. It is all about discipline, dignity, service and a reverence for our country.
The more touchy-feely the royals become, the less royal they seem.
And so there is far less of a point to them. They must be different to the rest of us, or there is no point in having them.
I think the public generally agrees with this — opinion polls suggest so.
The truth is that people who say the Royal Family must modernise are usually those people who, underneath, want to do away with it.
Megnarry are not the worst crisis in the history of our kings and queens.
Indeed, for every Queen Elizabeth (I and II), and Victoria, we’ve had several psychos, spendthrift serial shaggers, pre-fascist fascists, dribbling loons and syphilitic wretches.
But the monarchy has carried on, pretty much unchanging.
Change it now and you may as well do away with it.
A MARILYN Monroe lookalike has had her Instagram account taken down.
That’s in case people mistake her for the real Marilyn Monroe.
Umm, the real one died nearly 60 years ago. She’d be 94 if she were alive today.
I don’t think the chances of mistaken identity are terribly huge, really.
Still less when you look at the impersonator – a woman called Isabella Bliss.
OK, she looks slightly more like Marilyn than I do – but that’s about it.
ALL BIT FRESH FOR ME
I WAS delighted to read in The Sun about Emma, aged 38, from South Wales.
She can’t get enough of outdoor sex, apparently. She’s even done it by a towpath.
That will have surprised the pensioners on their nice barge holiday.
“Ooh, look at ’er, Arthur. She’s got her drawers round her ankles and going at it like knives. Mucky trollop.”
It’s not for me – never was. I tried it once on a beach in Greece but an enraged wasp stung me on the scrotum. You don’t want that, do you?
I also tried it in the doorway of Dolcis in Redcar, in about 1978.
I don’t think my partner’s heart was in it. She kept remarking to me what a good price some of the shoes were.
Then there’s the countryside. More wasps, and nettles. And farmers.
Plus, it’s really awkward when the dog tries to join in.
THE Swiss public have just voted to ban the wearing of face coverings in public.
No more burka, no more hijab.
I think we have a problem with Islamic extremism in Europe. A big problem.
But it is not the job of a government to tell people what they can and can’t wear.
The Swiss vote was spiteful.
And it will almost certainly now increase tensions.
PIERS IS NOT ALONE
PIERS MORGAN likes a bit of drama, doesn’t he.
I enjoyed him storming off the set of Good Morning Britain after an argument with that weatherman, Alex Beresford.
Piers had been criticising Meghan Markle and was later forced to resign after more than 40,000 viewers complained.
But the latest opinion poll on the issue suggests the vast majority of Brits agree with him.
Morgan said later: “If I have to fall on my sword for expressing an honestly held opinion about Meghan Markle, and that diatribe of bilge that she came out with in that interview, so be it.”
Fair enough, in my book. Morgan is a first- rate journalist.
Even if, sometimes, I want to hit him over the head with a claw hammer.
He’ll be back.
DOWNTON'S CHRISTMAS RETURN IS TOFF LUCK
OH no, it’s coming back. Downton Abbey is set to return to our screens at Christmas, Michelle Dockery and all.
Personally speaking, I’d rather watch my own leg being sawn off by a psychopath. I do wonder, have you ever met a bloke who enjoyed Downton Abbey?
And why is it that women so much enjoy period dramas with toffs lording it over the proles?
WORLD leaders, including the US President Joe Biden, will be visiting the Cornish resort of St Ives in June.
It’s the G7 summit, to discuss climate change, and the bigwigs will be staying in a special eco-hotel in Carbis Bay.
What has this environmentally friendly hotel done to prepare for the arrival of the great and the good?
Chopped down all the trees, that’s what. Much to the fury of the locals.
The hotel claims that it takes environmental matters very seriously. It says it wishes to reduce its “carbon footprint”.
But at the slightest whiff of money, it’s bugger that for a game of soldiers.
FORGET TAMING COVID
SCIENTISTS are worried about the Brazilian Covid variant.
It’s spreading across the South American country very rapidly.
One expert called it an “atomic bomb” – which is perhaps overstating the case a little bit, y’know?
But, still . . .
Meanwhile, Boris Johnson has warned us that coronavirus is “surging” in Europe.
And a doctor has warned that we may need to be inoculated every year.
What all this means is that there is no end in sight. Indeed, there may be no end.
We need to forget this talk of “beating” the virus. That’s simply not possible.
All we can do is use all the scientific know-how available to us to keep the most vulnerable of us protected.
And understand that the rest of the country needs to learn to live with the virus – and get back to normality as soon as possible.
We cannot keep the human race on lockdown for ever.
The best-case scenario is that Covid is seen simply as what it is – a nasty flu epidemic which will kill a number of people every year.
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