How do you help a friend who’s going through a health crisis? Psychotherapist and author Tracy Livecchi shares her advice.

When someone you care about goes through a health crisis – whether it’s a major injury, a chronic illness, surgery or a daunting diagnosis – it’s hard to know what to do and say. Sickness makes a lot of us uncomfortable. It’s a reminder of our own vulnerability and may bring up our own traumatic experiences of ill health, so it’s often tough to manage your own worry for your friend or loved one while also trying to be a source of support. 

“Watching a friend who is ill or healing from an injury can be difficult,” says Tracy Livecchi, psychotherapist and co-author of Healing Hearts And Minds: A Holistic Approach To Coping Well With Congenital Heart Disease. “Depending on their medical condition, you may understandably be worried about the outcome of their illness and also wonder how you can best support them during this time. 

“You might be afraid of doing or saying the wrong things and if your friend isn’t sharing the details of their diagnosis that can make it even more difficult to know what to do.”

To help us all feel empowered to support our friends in the best possible way, Livecchi shares her guidance ahead. 

Don’t push them to talk about it 

“Don’t push them if they aren’t ready to talk about their diagnosis,” Livecchi tells Stylist.  “They may need time to process their health information. If this is the case just let them know you are there for them when they are ready to talk. “

Get comfortable just being there

We know you probably feel pressure to get your friend talking and to say the ‘right’ thing. But remember that just being there is sometimes all someone needs. 

“Be prepared to also just sit with your friend if they aren’t up for talking,” Livecchi says. “Maybe you can watch a film together, listen to music or simply sit side by side quietly to keep them company.”

Ask if they’d like a short visit 

Livecchi recommends: “Ask them if they’d like a short visit and schedule it. Be open to hearing the hard conversations about their feelings about their diagnosis, health, how it has affected their life and their possible fears for the future. If they are fatigued or are not up for the visit, do not take it personally; just try again in another couple of days.”

Don’t just ask, ‘How can I help?’ or tell them to shout if they need anything

“When someone is feeling unwell they may not have the energy to consider what they need and/or many may be shy about asking for help,” says Livecchi. “Instead of asking a vague question, like ‘How can I help?’, make specific concrete offers, such as ‘I’d like to deliver dinner this week. What night is best?’ or ‘Why don’t I take over your carpool this week?’

“Tasks such as pet care, grocery shopping, housekeeping, carpooling and delivering a meal can be extremely helpful.”

Offer to take them to their doctor’s appointments

Going to medical appointments isn’t a fun experience. There are often long waits, along with anxiety and physical discomfort. Offering to be there with your friend can mean so much. 

Consider setting up a meal calendar

When you’re sick, the faff of cooking meals can feel impossible. This means food is a great area to offer your help. 

“Offer to organise a meal calendar including their friends, family and neighbours,” Livecchi suggests. “If needed, reach out to their religious institution, place of employment or other social outlets they are connected with. 

“Most people want to help and appreciate a specific direct request to get involved. Find out about dietary restrictions or food preferences and communicate them to the group.”

Don’t drift away – regular check-ins are key

“Check in with your friend on a weekly basis to let them know you are still thinking about them,” says Livecchi. “It is pretty common for the offers of help to go away after a few weeks of illness. If your friend has a longer-term medical condition, these touch points can be very reassuring and comforting.”

Offer to help with communication

“It can be very difficult to screen and return calls when feeling ill,” Livecchi explains. “If needed, offer to serve as a command station to help communicate ‘as needed’ updates to their family and friends.”

Don’t try to do it all alone

In cases of serious and long-term illness, you won’t be able to take on all the emotional care yourself. Get in touch with family and friends to create a support team for your pal. 

Avoid saying these things

Livecchi advises: “Avoid saying things like ‘But you look so healthy!’ as this can be a reminder of their challenge of living with an invisible illness. ‘Don’t worry, you will be fine’ – no one knows this and this statement is a reminder of that fact. ‘I know exactly how you feel’ – this is impossible (even if you did have the exact same illness). Instead, try ‘How are you feeling?’ Let the focus of your conversation be on your friend, not on you.”

Make sure you’re looking after yourself, too

You can’t pour from an empty cup. 

“Make sure to take care of yourself,” says Livecchi. “It can be very difficult to bear witness to a friend’s illness or injury. Make sure you are doing what you need to do to stay healthy and strong, and ensure that you also have proper emotional support when needed.”

Tracy Livecchi, LCSW (USA) is the co-author of new book Healing Hearts And Minds: A Holistic Approach To Coping Well With Congenital Heart Disease, with Dr Liza Morton, published by Oxford University Press, New York. 

Main image: Getty

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