Written by Meg Walters

To rekindle or not to rekindle…

Twenty years after a break-up that rocked the world of popular culture, Bennifer has tied the knot. As we watch Jen and Ben finally get their happily ever after, the idea of rekindling an old romance with an ex has never seemed more appealing. 

After all, there are countless other heartwarming stories of exes finding their way back together. There’s Rachel and Ross in Friends. Marianne and Connell in Normal People. And we’ve all seen The Parent Trap. 

But is it really that smart to get back with an ex? 

Of course, it’s never black and white. Even if your previous relationship wasn’t downright toxic, there’s probably a reason why it failed. So, before jumping back into an old relationship, it’s important to do some deep soul-searching.

We chatted with a relationship expert to find out the most important questions you should ask yourself before getting back with an ex.

Why am I making this decision?

Be very clear with yourself about why you want to get back with your ex. If you don’t have a good reason, you may be succumbing to nostalgia.

“A lot of times, people get back with their exes due to the lingering feeling of nostalgia,” says relationship expert Callisto Adams. “That often leads them to idealize the memories with their ex-partner, hence preventing themselves from having a pragmatic view of the situation.”

She adds, “Getting real with yourself and answering this question will open your eyes to your motives and intentions regarding this connection.”

Why did the relationship end before?

If you’re considering trying things for a second time with an ex, it’s important to think back to the first time the pair of you were together. Crucially, consider all of the reasons why you or your ex ended things.

By being truthful with yourself about why you broke up, you may come to the realisation that the same problems are likely to come up again. By asking yourself this question, you’ll avoid falling into the same patterns out of habit or comfort.

What would I tell my best friend to do if they were in the same situation?

Often, we aren’t as kind to ourselves as we are to our friends. Usually, it’s because we don’t have an outsider’s perspective on our own situation. So, try stepping back and imagining what you would tell a friend in your situation.

“This will give you a different perspective on the situation,” says Adams. “You’ll be able to judge it from an outside point of view and would have yourself consider what’s best for you.”

Am I being real with myself?

“When it comes to the reasoning behind the decision-making for a relationship, it’s vital that you’re honest with yourself,” says Adams. If you’re craving a relationship for the wrong reasons, this question should help you to be more pragmatic and realistic.

What has changed?

If you are thinking about starting things up again with an ex, think about what has changed, either for the better or the worse. Maybe you’ve gotten better at communication since the last time you were together. Maybe your ex has gotten a new job in another city. 

It’s inevitable that you and your ex will have changed in your time apart, which is bound to make your relationship different the second time around. By asking yourself how you’ve both changed, you may be able to predict how the relationship will change, too.

Images: Getty

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