I’ll never forget the first time we met our adopted daughter Rajin*.

My husband, Taj*, and I took our dog Stardust to meet Rajin at her foster carer’s house when she was just five years old.

As soon as she saw our shaggy dog, she fell in love with her. In fact, she giggled that Stardust was the same age as her.

Taj and I arranged that first meeting so that I would spend the evening and get to  know her better over dinner, her bath time and learn about her bedtime routine.

That’s when we knew that our decision to adopt an older child was the right one for us.

We already had two birth children at the time, Rohan* was 10, and Mya*, 12.

I had worked in social care for over 20 years by then and had seen first-hand the complex stories of children waiting for their forever homes, and I know first-hand which children wait the longest.

Older children, those with disabilities, kids from Asian, Black or ethnic minority backgrounds, and sibling groups – which collectively represent 65% of all children waiting to be adopted.

Taj knew how passionate I was about adoption and I often spoke to my children about this too, so they had grown up with an understanding and appreciation of this. With it in mind, we began our journey to adopt an older child in 2013.

I wanted Rohan to feel especially involved with the whole process because he was our youngest at the time, so I chose to show him a copy of Be My Parent magazine. I told him about the children who were waiting for their forever families and we talked about them to help him and his sister understand their life stories.

Rajin had a gorgeous smile and was so beautiful as she looked back at us. Her picture was adorable and she had the same Indian heritage as me.

I read her description (including the fact that she loved dogs) and realised she had experienced a very tough family history, and knew with my professional background and therapies, we could offer a new beginning and make her part of our family.

At this time, we had been approved for adoption so the next step was convincing the professionals we were the right family for her. They were going through a family-finding process, which meant we were not the only ones interested.

With some persuasion, we had our matching meeting, which finalised the introduction process.

As part of our introductions, I created a family book using collages of our life to help Rajin understand us, the things we wanted to include her in and what our family liked to do – such as pictures of her new room, our family trips, the places in our neighbourhood and the new school she’d be joining, as well as many of our dog.

Rajin’s foster carer, Sophie*, went through it with her to familiarise her with us.

Rajin’s siblings have been so considerate of her past and welcomed her wholeheartedly as their sister into their lives

The introduction period was two weeks, which gave us time to get to know her. That’s when Taj, Stardust and I met her first at Sophie’s house. We began slowly, then introduced her to her new brother, sister and home. 

We did things, such as ice skating, going for pizza, and having her stay with us at her new forever home.

I understand how scary all of this would have been, but she made an instant connection with Mya, who she clearly wanted to impress.

The two week introductions were key to learning about us and our family and I know now it helped her make a positive transition and connection with us.

Rajin was petite, full of mischief and really fun to be around and do things with. She was full of beans and really funny. She made us all laugh.

The adoption assessment process took about four months.

She moved in at the end of the two week introduction. On reflection, adopting an older child was exactly right for us.

She had a secure attachment to Sophie so naturally, she found it hard to adjust to us at first. Our family and Rajin continue to see her almost on a monthly basis.

Our adopted daughter’s new siblings were so excited for her to come live with us. They knew what a difficult time she’d had when she was little so they were so loving and welcoming and helped her settle in – offering fun things to do and their unconditional love.

Two weeks after she came to live with us, we celebrated her sixth birthday. While this milestone might be an exciting and big day for a child – and we wanted to make it very special for her – we had to be mindful and accept where she was at.

She wasn’t that interested in all the presents, and we had to accept she felt sadness having left Sophie, who she had lived with for over a year. In time, it got easier and easier for us all. 

What was really special later that year was our first Christmas with Rajin, when she met all of our vast extended family, which includes over 14 cousins – aunts and uncles, a new nana, nanniji and nannaji too. She loved this and still talks about how wonderful it is to have such a large family she can have fun with. 

When Rajin first came to live with us, she didn’t know she needed affection, so she found taking cuddles hard. So we showed her ways to receive our love by listening carefully and making her really comfortable. Now she loves cuddles.

Some people think when adopting an older child, you don’t get to experience those ‘firsts’. Yes, they can already walk and talk, but there are still so many other opportunities and new experiences to live through as a family.

With Rajin, we got to experience her first time playing outside, trying new foods, baking together, feeling the sand in her toes, climbing trees, getting muddy, her first bonfire night, first diwali and many more.

It has been so wonderful to watch her grow and see each new milestone – and to be there to help find her way.

As a family, we have learned that understanding and patience is key. So we have supported Rajin to navigate her early life and continue to help make sense of it.

For any adopted child, it’s important to talk about the early years and understand they had a life before. It’s also important to keep that story alive, help them make sense of it and facilitate a healing path.

I think with an older adopted child, they are often worried about failing. They’ve never had that person behind them they could lean on to catch them. That’s why it’s vital to nurture that trust, and allow them to fall and fail in whatever ways they need.

The key thing as an adoptive parent is to support them by picking them back up, talking about it, and encouraging them to try and fail and learn and know you will be there.

Rajin’s siblings have been so considerate of her past and welcomed her wholeheartedly as their sister into their lives.

My son has grown to understand how he can be a support to his younger sister, and my eldest daughter gained a sibling that she understands and can adore. The three of them and their bond is incredible to see. Rajin also has made new and deep connections with our big extended family.

Rajin is now 15 and undergoing new transitions, as she is in year 10. She is a talented, resilient and inspiring individual, who is doing well.

She dreams of becoming an actor, having participated in drama lessons and workshops with her siblings over the years.

It has been incredible watching her thrive, grow and become an amazing young person. We could not be prouder.

Having been through the experience, I am passionate about supporting other adoptive parents on their journeys. I do this through my own holistic practice, which has been instrumental for Rajin and her healing journey.

Adoption has been the most rewarding experience and undoubtedly one of the best things we could have done as a family.

I want other parents to know they too are capable of providing a child with a new chance in life.

You Can Adopt has launched the ‘A Life Less Ordinary’ campaign to shine a light on the children who wait longest to be adopted. If you are thinking about adoption, visit the website here to find out more.

*Names have been changed

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