DEBORAH James’ mum has said she feels “guilty” about trying to enjoy life when she’s lost her daughter to cancer.

Heather James – who was by Dame Debs’ side when she died of Stage 4 bowel cancer on June 28, 2021, aged 40 – has spoken of her grief on a new podcast, Open with Emma Campbell.

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Heather told host Emma Campbell, a friend of Debs’ who is living with breast cancer, that she is throwing herself into work and staying busy: “Keeping my mind occupied helps me stop from thinking about Deborah all the time, and that's good – not that I don't want to think about her, but I want to not do it 24/7 as that's unhealthy.”

Heather, a children’s gymnastics teacher, campaigned alongside Deborah through much of the The Sun columnist’s illness.

She says finding balance now Debs is gone is a work in progress: “It's negotiating the memory [of Deborah] against living and that's very difficult. 

“How much can you enjoy life? You should enjoy life, you should look forward, but actually I feel guilty. 

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“I think it's the guilt and I'm sure loads of people feel, ‘Oh, I'm laughing, but I've just lost my daughter.’”

ENTHUSIASM FOR LIFE

Fortunately, Deborah’s zest for life, which she showed right to the end with the launch of her BowelBabe Fund that’s raised more than £7million for cancer research as well as her Rebellious Hope t-shirts, has given Heather the courage and confidence to keep going.

“Without that positivity she had and that enthusiasm for life, it would be a lot more difficult,” explains Heather. 

“She prepared us for: ‘You are going to be sad, you are going to miss me, but you are going to get on and lead a life because life is so precious – and don't waste it.’”

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So when Heather recently got glammed up for an event, she “thought, ‘It's ok, Deborah would want me to do this.’”

Heather, also known as Bowel Gran, admits she’s still “really struggling” to find a new normal: “I’m still on that roller coaster because I haven't found the balance of losing Deborah and throwing myself into work and the long term of never seeing her again, and that hurts.

“But I don't want to think about it because at the moment, that’s my way of coping, I just get on with it.”

She explains that she didn’t know what Stage 4 cancer was initially: “Cancer to me is cancer, I didn’t know there were stages.

“When Deborah was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer I said, ‘Well, what does that mean?’ and she went, ‘Basically that’s it, there’s not Stage 5.’ 

“I went, ‘Oh,’ and she said, ‘No mum, it means you’re dead.’”

Heather says she never believed Deborah would die though: “I still felt she had time, I still felt she was invincible.

“Probably right up until the day she took her last breath, I always thought – even though I could see her getting weaker and weaker – because of her positive attitude and love of life, I always thought perhaps she’d just turn it around.”

ROYAL VISIT

During the episode Heather also looks back on the day Prince William visited the family – including Deborah’s husband Sebastien and her children Eloise, then 12, and Hugo, 14 –  for afternoon tea to celebrate Deborah’s damehood.

The evening before it was confirmed the future King would be arriving for cucumber sandwiches, Heather remembers: “My initial thought was, well, the lounge needs redecorating, but that's not going to happen!”

They decided to host outside instead: “Then my husband went: ‘But we haven’t cut the grass!’”

Heather even roped grandson Hugo into weeding the driveway at 11pm, before she attempted to clean the house from top to bottom. 

“I was extremely calm until the next morning and we realised the children didn’t actually have any clothes here, because they’d come back from school because Deborah wasn’t given very long,” Heather says. 

“Eloise was given some of mummy’s clothes and we pinned it with safety pins.”

“It was surreal. Then Seb and Hugo decided at 1pm – when Prince William was coming at 3pm – that they were going to do homemade meringues – the mess of two men in my kitchen!”

Heather didn’t even have time to shower, but the visit went without a hitch: “We were very honoured to have him here and he made us feel very relaxed. 

“What a special time for the family; we were very fortunate and it’s something we will remember as a happy afternoon, even though Deborah was very poorly and we didn’t think she’d last the weekend – Deborah being Deborah, she did.”

MOTHER’S LOVE

More than sex months on from Deborah’s death, Heather says the pain of losing her eldest daughter doesn’t go away.

She says: “Besides my sadness – I can live with that – I feel sadness for her children and that’s an added agony for me.

“I know they’ll be fine, they have a wonderful father, but for a grandmother, my agony is for my grandchildren not having their mother.”

She adds: “Then I think, they are amazing and they say children are resilient, and they are.”

She added: “It’s my sadness knowing how much Deborah has missed and will miss out.”

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However, channelling Deborah’s limitless positivity, Heather says: “The sadness will always be there but what I have to keep saying to myself, the joy she gave to us when she was here, it was massive and she was different – a force of nature.”

To listen to the full episode, Open with Emma Campbell is available free, wherever you get your podcasts.

What are the red flag warning signs of bowel cancer?

IT’S the fourth most common cancer in the UK, the second deadliest – yet bowel cancer can be cured, if you catch it early enough.

While screening is one way of ensuring early diagnosis, there are things everyone can do to reduce their risk of the deadly disease.

Being aware of the signs and symptoms of bowel cancer, spotting any changes and checking with your GP can prove a life-saver.

If you notice any of the signs, don't be embarrassed and don't ignore them. Doctors are used to seeing lots of patients with bowel problems.

The five red-flag symptoms of bowel cancer include:

• Bleeding from the back passage, or blood in your poo
• A change in your normal toilet habits – going more frequently for example
• Pain or a lump in your tummy
• Extreme tiredness
• Losing weight

Tumours in the bowel typically bleed, which can cause a shortage of red blood cells, known as anaemia. It can cause tiredness and sometimes breathlessness.

In some cases bowel cancer can block the bowel, this is known as a bowel obstruction.

Other signs include:

• Gripping pains in the abdomen
• Feeling bloated
• Constipation and being unable to pass wind
• Being sick
• Feeling like you need to strain – like doing a number two – but after you've been to the loo

While these are all signs to watch out for, experts warn the most serious is noticing blood in your stools.

But, they warn it can prove tricky for doctors to diagnose the disease, because in most cases these symptoms will be a sign of a less serious disease.

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