In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.

With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.

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Dear Lala,

I was wondering if I could get a different point of view on this because I’m in two minds about whether I’m in the wrong. I have been with my partner for five years. He has three children with two different women. The mother of the eldest two is fine, but the baby mother of his youngest child, who is six, has always told him that if he was to get a girlfriend then she would stop access. We kept our relationship under wraps for three years for this reason because I would never jeopardise his chances of seeing his child. But she insisted on always being there whenever he did have access and she would only allow a few hours a week.

During those three years I found out that he cheated with his other ex, so suspicions arose for me with this baby mum. I asked him multiple times if anything was going on with her and if that was the real reason why he didn’t want our relationship to be public. He reassured me time and time again it had nothing to do with her but then I found out that he cheated with another woman.

So, I contacted the second baby mother and told her that he and I were in a relationship. I told her that the only reason he wasn’t telling her about me was genuinely because he was scared that she would stop access. Of course, she told me that they’d been sleeping together at the beginning of our relationship and only a month ago he was trying to make plans with her for next Valentine’s.

I ended the relationship but have since stupidly gotten back with him. He now must go to court to see his child and I know that his ex now has screenshots of our conversation where I was agreeing that he still smokes weed, and she will probably use this as evidence against him in court. He knows all this and even though we are back together he is being really cold with me (although he says he’s not) and won’t sexually touch me. My question is, am I the one in the wrong for talking to his baby mum or is he responsible for his own actions? Should I be apologising to him for this?

Lala says,

So, he kept you a secret for years, then cheated with his ex, and then another woman, and then you found out that he’d also cheated with his other ex and that he’s still trying to make romantic plans with her, and you think you’re the one who needs to apologise?

In his defence (why I’m defending him I do not know, but balance is important), I can see that he may think that you contacting his child’s mother, who has threatened to remove access to his child if he has a girlfriend, is a cruel move – potentially jeopardising his contact with his child is a huge thing. However, I don’t think it’s a cruel move. I think this whole thing has been a web of lies that he created himself and therefore he has to take the fall out. You did what any suspicious woman would do, and it’s good that you did because you found out more truths.

Although I would say that you doing that was completely pointless because you found out the truth and then you stayed. There was no need to have that discussion with his ex if finding out more facts wasn’t going to make any difference to your relationship. So, I can understand why he’s annoyed about that, but I also think he has no right to be because he caused this whole mess himself. If my ex told me that I couldn’t see my son if I got a boyfriend then I’d have been seeking legal advice a long time ago. I wouldn’t just go around having secret relationships. It isn’t legal to withhold access to a child on the basis that you don’t want their other parent to move on. But it seems as though keeping you a secret had much more to do with the fact that he wanted to keep on sleeping with other people than keeping a relationship with his child.

You contacting his ex isn’t the reason he’s going to court – his lies, his treatment of the women in his life, and his inability to sort out access properly a long time ago are the reasons he’s going to court. So, no, I don’t think you have anything to apologise for. But what I do think you need to do is get some emotional support for yourself, preferably from a therapist. I think that the fact that you are willing to tolerate being in a sexless relationship with a man who’s being cold after cheating on you with multiple women (and there’s probably more you don’t know about) and who has such a messy history shows that your self-esteem is low and that you aren’t setting boundaries for yourself.

I completely understand it though, a man like this can really make you think he’s a prize worth fighting for, the fact that you have stayed shows how much he’s got under your skin. It’s hard to make the right choices when you’re blinded by what feels like love. But do you really want to be baby mum number three? Has he really shown you that he’s got what it takes to give you a stable and peaceful future? Would he be sticking around if you’d slept with three different men? My personal view is that not only should you not say sorry but that you should end this relationship and leave him to his own mess. Surely being single can’t be any worse than being with a man you can’t trust and who is cold and expressing resentment towards you? You deserve so much better. Pull the plaster off, ride through the pain of the breakup, get some therapy and go enjoy life away from this circus he has created.

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