In Lalalaletmeexplain's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems.

With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru.

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Dear Lala,

I’ve been with my husband for 20 years, married 15 and we have three children. I suspected he was having an affair for some time. It really was just a gut feeling, and I had no evidence apart from a shift in attitude towards me, and suddenly never leaving his phone unattended. He got a new phone and when he was out, I checked his old phone. I discovered photos and messages from another woman. No nudity but things like her wrapped in a towel on her bed. They both professed their love for each other in this message thread. I confronted him and he immediately kicked me out of the house. I was too scared to argue and didn’t want my children to witness anything, so I just left. He denied everything, he said I was crazy, and they were just friends.

I’m lucky as my mum lives locally and we’ve been able to move in with her whilst I sort out my finances. It has broken one element of control he has over me, but I still feel controlled by him. Since leaving him and reflecting I’ve realised that I’ve been subjected to financial, sexual, and emotional abuse. I’ve realised that I don’t want my sons or daughters thinking that the way their father treated me was normal. I have just filed for divorce. But the ‘other woman’ is married too, and I feel a bit bitter that they have got away with all this scot free. I think the affair has been going on for around two years. They still follow each other on socials so I’m sure it’s ongoing. My questions is should I tell her husband anonymously and if so, how would people go about this? Or should I just get on with my life and not let him know? I feel like I would want to know. What do you and your readers think?

Lala Says,

I think you are a bad a*s for using this opportunity to escape. The affair has set you free and you’ve liberated yourself and your children in the bravest way. It’s not easy, for some it’s impossible. I hope you’re proud. Some will think it’s crazy that people can tolerate years of abuse but leave because of infidelity – but it makes sense. It can really make you see your abuser for what they are, especially if they were jealous and made accusations about you and other men. Cheating can be a lightbulb moment – suddenly you’re like ‘THE AUDACITY! AFTER WHAT YOU’VE PUT ME THROUGH’. It’s also a time when they don’t have a leg to stand on in terms of manipulating you to stay.

He’s put you through a lot, and I would really recommend getting therapeutic support if you can. Check the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy to find a therapist near you https://www.bacp.co.uk/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw_5unBhCMARIsACZyzS0uOiy8Gg442rad8ct99lHnyDybIC9WNuHXC4F_xjevd51hNrQBrFMaAvGWEALw_wcB or visit your GP. Your children may also benefit from some support. You may wish to discuss this with their school. You and your children are on the path to freedom, your next phase. Looking after your mental health and general well-being is important during this time of major transition. With that in mind, it's my view that you shouldn’t tell her husband.

There’s one version of you telling him that goes: You create a fake account, e-mail him/message him on social media. He emails you back and thanks you profusely, tells you that his wife and your husband are now living on the streets. You see that your husband and his mistress unfollow each other on socials. You open some champagne and live happily ever after. But I feel like the more likely thing is that you’ll send a message then you’ll feel sick. You’ll ruminate over it for days waiting to hear back from him, or he’ll message back and be aggressive or defensive and you’ll be communicating with him in a stressful state trying to make it not obvious that it’s you. It will bring anxiety to your life either way.

And in the worst-case scenario it won’t end there. I’d worry that it could cause repercussions from your husband. He could become angry and cause problems in front of the children. I would also be worried about the repercussions for her. I know that you don’t owe her any empathy, but if she’s also in an abusive marriage then it could all get very messy if he were to find out. There are too many options for things to go wrong. It’s all risk and no reward. Her husband may well already have the same gut feeling you had for all that time and will find out when he’s meant to.

I understand that feeling of ‘If it were me, I’d be gutted to not have been told’ and that can be true, whilst also not meaning that you owe it to him to tell him. It’s not your responsibility. I think it’d be useful for you to explore what outcome you really want. It’s normal to feel bitter and want to ruin their lives, it’s normal to feel whatever rollercoaster of emotions you’re feeling. But ensuring that they don’t get off scot free means seeking revenge, and all that does is keep you in a state of negativity and anxiety over them, with potential for starting big drama.

The best revenge you can get is breaking free from his control. Wanting to mess up his relationship will keep you intertwined in chaos for longer. Maybe that’s what you want because that’s what you’re used to after living with it for 20 years? It’s important to unravel all this and process it. It’d probably be better for you if they did stay together. It’d probably mean you can get away from the marriage more easily. It’s her I’d worry about if they did as she’d likely be subjected to the same treatment you faced. Stop looking at their socials, get as much support around you as possible and get on with your life!

Women’s Aid support directory www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory

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