DEAR DEIDRE: THE choir master at our church brought me to ecstasy in the crypt, but now he’s ghosting me.
I’ve realised I have fallen in love with him, and I feel so hurt and used. I’m 42 and single. He’s 48 and married.
When I joined the choir last year, I was so happy to find a social activity that I enjoyed. I’ve been very lonely for years.
My parents are dead and I don’t have any siblings, my job is boring and not at all sociable.
The choir master made me feel welcome and he was complimentary about my singing. Finally, I fitted in somewhere.
When he said I was good enough for a solo, it boosted my confidence.
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One evening, he asked me to stay behind to work on it, and he started being very flirty. Over the next few weeks, we spent a lot of time alone together, and grew close.
After choir practice, we’d go to the pub for a drink or two. He told me he wasn’t happy with his wife and confessed to having strong feelings for me. I felt the same way.
And one evening, we ended up in the crypt and we had amazing sex.
After that, we took every opportunity to repeat the experience.
But two Sundays ago, after the service, he totally blanked me. I sent him a message asking what I’d done, and he said that it had all been a big mistake.
Since then, he’s been ignoring me.
I am gutted and don’t know how to move on from this.
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DEIDRE SAYS: This man has treated you appallingly, taking advantage of your loneliness and vulnerability.
It’s possible he feels guilty, or worried about his wife finding out but that doesn’t excuse his shoddy rejection of you.
My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, has more information on the pitfalls of falling for a taken man.
Your pain is natural, so please take your time to recover from this humiliating episode.
At the very least take some time away from the choir and spend time with your friends.
But singing is important to you so when you are ready, either join another choir or if you feel strong enough, return to this same choir but focus on befriending other members and prioritise avoiding this choir master.
My support packs on Loneliness and Widening Your Social Scene may also be helpful.
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