In April this year, a few months after splitting up with a long-term boyfriend, I decided to dip my toe back into the romance pool.

Here’s the plot twist, though.

Dating doesn’t have to just be about dating. If you enjoy someone’s company, why not become friends?

‘It’s not possible,’ I hear you shout. Well, I’m going to flip that narrative and explain how and why I have become mates with my ‘failed’ dates – and why I think you should try it too.

In the few months since I started swiping, it’s been an interesting journey with both good and bad experiences.

One particularly awful date lasted less than an hour – our views differed too much on everything from politics to the royals – we had a heated debate before I downed my bourbon, excused myself and left. 

We tend not to focus on ‘negative outcomes’ like this and that’s understandable.

Even I, the outspoken sex columnist, don’t always like to admit that modern dating can be stressful and that rejection hurts. So in the past I’ve put these unfortunate events (or more accurately, soul-destroying dates) into a neat little box, deleted the other person’s phone number and kept going.

But why let a good connection go to waste just because it didn’t end up being a love story?

So far this year, I’ve made two new friends and rather than meeting them at events or through mates, both are men I briefly had a fling with.

Jeremy* and I had three dates before he called it quits halfway through a pub quiz. Now that’s awkward. The conversation came out of nowhere, as they often do, and he just explained that he had realised he wasn’t ready for dating.

I was surprised but not upset, since we’d only met a few times. If anything, I was more annoyed that we missed the rest of the quiz because we were aiming to win the jackpot.

We had spent most of our dates laughing and got along so well that it felt wrong to cut contact completely. For weeks afterwards, Jeremy and I kept gravitating towards each other, exchanging messages and eventually chatting more and more.

And not long ago, we organised to have drinks. Far from being uncomfortable, it was like seeing an old friend and we’re hanging out again soon. 

He made it clear that it wasn’t about me or us – which sounds like a cliché but I knew that he meant it. 

And not long ago, we organised to have drinks. Far from being uncomfortable, it was like seeing an old friend and we’re hanging out again soon, and often joke about doing a pub quiz to make up for the last one. 

I could easily have thrown away our platonic connection because I felt threatened or upset by what happened, but why should I? 

Another example is Derek*, a funny, and interesting man who I had great conversations with, but there was no spark – after six dates, we both realised that we enjoyed being around each other but not in a romantic way.

It was very easy to pivot into friendship – I simply said ‘should we just be friends?’, he said ‘is that OK?’ and that was it. We’re meeting up later this month.

Then there was Arthur – a man who I met a few years ago on my first foray into becoming friends with people I met on dating apps – he even invited me to his wedding when we stayed in touch! 

Perhaps I’ve been lucky because the men I mention have been just as interested in keeping up a friendship as I have but I know that isn’t the case with every date. You shouldn’t force it with just anyone, just for the sake of preserving ‘something’.

Like the experience I mentioned at the start – the guy who had very different political views to mine. We were never going to be pals.

When I tell people about my dates-turned-mates, they are usually shocked and few can understand why I would bother trying to build a friendship with someone I’ve only briefly known.

While I can appreciate that it’s a bit unconventional, I no longer see it this way.

Just because you once fancied each other sexually doesn’t mean that the emotional or platonic bond you had isn’t just as valid to acknowledge.

There’s a famous quote from the cult rom-com When Harry Met Sally, when the titular male character says  ‘…men and women can’t be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.’

More from Platform

Platform is the home of Metro.co.uk’s first-person and opinion pieces, devoted to giving a platform to underheard and underrepresented voices in the media.

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While I love the movie, I won’t be having what Harry is having, because he’s wrong. 

Not all romances work out – they’re not meant to. Sometimes you meet people who will be a part of your life but not in the way you first imagined.

There is nothing wrong with that and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 

To clarify, I’m not referring to serious partners. That’s a very different kettle of fish; having an extended relationship with someone often comes with heavy baggage – though I’m all for being friends with your long-term partner if you’re both on the same page.

But that’s another column. 

Next time you find yourself in a situation where you have a great bond with someone, think twice before you throw this away just because it was a ‘failed’ date.

In 99% of cases when dates don’t work it’s not a personal failing (unless you were a d**k, in which case this is on you, buddy). 

We’re all just out here trying our best – including the person you’re meeting up with.

So when dating someone doesn’t work out but you like their company, don’t just tell them ‘let’s be friends’ – mean it. 

Because we can never have enough of them.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing [email protected]. 

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