‘I can remember my ex-boyfriend coming home one day with under bed restraints and bondage equipment that he’d bought from the local sex shop,’ recalls Sarah*.

‘I was 16 and he was 24.’ she adds.

‘I knew that they were for me, and I knew that it wasn’t something I wanted.

‘But I felt like I couldn’t say no, or ask questions about what was happening, or stop it, even if I wanted to.

‘Why? Because I felt like I needed to perform; like I’d seen the women in porn perform.’ 

Sarah had grown up in a strictly religious family and, at that point, the only sex education she had experienced was being told, ‘don’t do it.’ 

This led the then-teenager to do her own research and, inevitably, she turned to the internet, where she discovered porn. Something, she admits, wasn’t hard too find.

Hardcore videos, often of women being degraded, soon became Sarah’s main frame of reference when it came to intimate relationships. ‘I was taught that sex was about blow jobs and cum shots, and anal sex,’ she says. 

‘It wasn’t about women’s pleasure. I had no concept of what that was. And besides, the women seemed to enjoy it in the videos, so I felt that there was something wrong with me if I didn’t. It was my problem.’ 

During an eight-year-long relationship, Sarah was forced to take part in a lot of sexual activities that she didn’t want to, and perform in ways that she thought she was supposed to. 

What she didn’t realise at the time was that her boyfriend was an abuser, who was taking advantage of her naivety.

After all, Sarah remembers, this was how she was used to seeing women being treated; she’d never had any other conversation or education about what sex could look like. This was what she believed was ‘normal.’ 

It might seem to be an extreme example, but the way Sarah felt is not all that uncommon.

Research conducted by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC), as part of the government’s now-failed attempt to introduce age-verification processes for online porn, found that teenagers are increasingly using explicit content as a way of learning about sex.

Many shared that watching porn led them to be influenced in how they behaved in sexual encounters, and exacerbated concerns about body image.  

Meanwhile, in a report released today from the children’s commissioner for England, Dame Rachel de Souza, it shockingly revealed that one in 10 children have watched pornography by the time they are nine, with a quarter of pupils in their final year of primary school have already been exposed to it.

Worryingly, yet perhaps unsurprisingly, the findings also discovered that most of the pornography viewed by children was said to be disturbing, or overly aggressive. 

It’s something singer Billie Eilish has also spoken openly about previously, revealing that she formed an addiction to porn after watching it aged just 11. She went on to explain that it often gave her nightmares and that she thought it ‘really destroyed’ her brain.

Sarah can relate to these concerns and insecurities as well. She explains how seeing women in porn videos gave her a complex about her own body and sexual performance, despite being only 16 and, in her own words, ‘not fully developed yet.’ 

‘It taught me that my body had to look a certain way and was basically a vehicle to make other people happy,’ she says.

Psychologist Dr Linda Papadopoulos is an Ambassador for Internet Matters, an organisation that works to support parents in keeping their kids safe online.

She explains that one of the major impacts that exposure to porn at a young age can have is an irrational view of what a healthy, intimate relationship looks like.

She likens it to watching the Fast and Furious, to learn how to parallel park. 

‘Children are being presented with something that they’re not emotionally, cognitively or developmentally ready to see,’ explains Dr Linda. ‘They don’t yet have the ability to be critical of that information, or to tell the difference between what’s real or what’s fake.

‘And one of the most insidious parts is the conflation of sex and violence in porn, particularly towards women,’ she continues. 

‘The normalisation of this is unbelievable. You often see scenes where there’s at least some form of degradation, which is a big issue. And in recent years, I’ve seen a lot more things like choking, spitting and hitting.’ 

Dr Linda points out that there is no ethical way of doing this research in terms of direct causation or correlation in terms of how this exposure will manifest – but says that we know that we learn vicariously from what we see, and children are accessing porn at a very young age, when they are very impressionable. 

Many children are exposed to online porn accidentally at first, with Snapchat and WhatsApp increasingly emerging as key platforms where explicit content is shared and viewed. Possibly because of this, the exposure age is getting younger and younger. 

There’s no getting away from the fact that it has become a normalised part of young people’s lives. But still, there has been limited research into the impact of porn – meaning there is little understanding of what effect it could have on young children.

‘My now ex-husband started watching porn at the age of 10,’ Chloe* tells Metro.co.uk.

‘He was watching some really harcore stuff by age 12, and was completely addicted when we got together, aged 16.’

Chloe believes that this early exposure and subsequent addiction massively skewed her husband James’* opinion of sex and consent. ‘I do think it played a large part in him raping me for the full five years of our relationship,’ she tells Metro.co.uk. One of these times resulted in the conception of her youngest son. 

At first, Chloe thought his excessive porn consumption was ‘normal’. It was her first serious relationship and she thought it was ‘just what boys did.’

‘He would frequently watch it, and masturbate, when I was in the room,’ she says. 

‘He’d come back from work at midnight and get into bed, then he’d watch porn and masturbate really loudly. I would wake up and hear it. It felt so degrading. It made me feel like I wasn’t enough.’

Slowly his behaviour escalated and it got to the point where James was regularly raping Chloe. She describes them takling about it quite openly and how she would usually confront him afterwards, letting him know that what he had done was rape. 

‘He would either deny it, or he would get upset and apologise, and put it down to the porn addiction,’ she says. ‘He would often blame it on his mum for letting him unrestricted access to the internet from a young age.’

Two years into the relationship, Chloe found some of the content that he was watching. 

‘It all featured a power struggle,’ she recalls. ‘A businessman and a maid, or step siblings, where the sister was younger. It was all men in positions of power, where there was a struggle or force used. 

‘None of it was relationship sex, or women enjoying it.

‘When I found that it kind of explained things a bit, and why he was doing what he was doing. 

‘He would never listen to me saying no.’  

James eventually confessed to Chloe that he used to watch disturbing, hardcore porn, between the ages of 10–13; namely videos of women having sex with animals. 

‘If a 10 year old is watching that, you can see how it would warp their view,’ she says. ‘I think porn gave him a massive entitlement complex to sex and women, and it led to the ultimate destruction of our family.’

Lianne Young, of House of Ardent, is one of UK’s leading advisors on sex, relationships and adult entertainment. ‘When children watch pornography repeatedly, this can lead to them not being sexually aroused by normal sex acts and they have to look for other ways to get their pleasure,’ she explains. 

‘This is a worry as they may access sites that are much worse than simple pornography and may have violence and dominance involved. It can then lead to personality disorders and sometimes worse a growing desire to act out what they see on screen.’

Eventually, James went too far, after he ‘put bruises’ on Chloe one night, while he was raping her. This time, when she confronted him about his actions afterwards, he said, ‘it was worth it,’ rather than his usual apology. 

That was when she decided to leave. The police investigation is still ongoing. 

While Chloe is no longer with James, they do have shared custody over their sons. She is constantly concerned that her boys could end up being influenced by their dad’s normalisation of this type of behaviour. 

She also also worries about how and when to broach the subjects with them, and wants to try and have an open conversation – but at the right time. 

Dr Linda is clear that talking to your children about porn is extremely important, no matter how awkward it might sound. If we don’t, the way she puts it is that, ‘pornographers are speaking to our kids before we are, about what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.’

Ross* is 22 and first remembers seeing a photo of a topless woman in the paper at the age of nine, and it feeling ‘weird’ because she was also a presenter of a kid’s show that he watched – and now he’d seen her naked. 

He recalls it vividly, and says that things progressed quickly from there. At the age of 11 or 12 he was regularly watching porn. 

By the time he was around 15, Ross says it became ‘overwhelming’ and he was using it heavily. 

He realised that he had an addiction when he was 18 but by this point it was too late.  

‘I just thought I was young and liked masturbating,’ Ross admits. ‘But before I knew it, I was watching porn (and masturbating) six times a day.’ 

He says that although he has cut down now, it still impacts his life. He says that he’s often late for things because he wakes up and has to watch porn before he goes anywhere. 

Ross now describes himself as being ‘relatively’ addicted to sex and says that watching porn is ‘psychologically ingrained as a habit’ for him and all of his male friends. 

‘Me and the boys chat about this all the time,’ he says. ‘All my friends started around the same age as me, around 10 or 11. 

‘We would all talk to each other and discuss how many times we’d watched porn and masturbated that day, and it would often be anywhere between three to six times for all of us.’ 

And it’s a habit they’ve all struggled to cut down on, without much success.

How to tackle porn with your children

When should you start a conversation?

By the age of 15 children are more likely than not to have been exposed to online pornography so, talking to them early on can equip them with the right coping strategies to deal with it.

Be natural and straightforward

If you seem embarrassed to talk about sex and porn your child will also feel uncomfortable and will be unlikely to let you know if they have seen sexual images. Try techniques like getting them to write things down, or start conversations when they don’t have to look you in the eye, for example when in the car.

Be on the lookout for teachable moments

Talking about issues as they come up on TV, in movies or online can help you kick start a conversation and give you the opportunity to talk about your values and beliefs on the issues.

Find out what they already know

Children may hear or see things at school which they have questions about. Use this as an opportunity to ask them more about what they know, dispel any myths and give them the right information.

Give them positive messages

Talk to them about loving sexual relationships and how to have respect for themselves and their boyfriend, girlfriend or partner.

Talk to them about their experiences

A deep discussion on pornography isn’t recommended for younger children. However, whatever the ages of your children, make sure that they know they can come and talk to you – and that you won’t overreact or be shocked by whatever they tell you.

Take a no-blame approach

Recognise that children are naturally curious about sex and like to explore. An interest in sex is a normal part of a child’s development.If your child is young and has come across pornography by mistake, they are much more likely to need reassurance and support.

For more information and advice visit Internet Matters

They’ve all tried to give up, or at least reduce their usage, by attempting to take part in something known as ‘No Fap’, a website and community forum that acts as a support group for people who want to give up pornography and masturbation. (Its name comes from the slang term ‘fap’, referring to male masturbation.) 

‘We’ve all tried it, but none of us have managed,’ he admits. ‘It’s definitely because it’s so easy to access pornography.’ 

However, Ross does feel that porn has had some positive impacts on his life. He has autism and ADHD, and watching different genres has helped him ‘come to terms’ with his sexuality, and realise that he was bisexual. 

This is something that was also highlighted in the BBFC report, which suggested that access to porn provided a significant way for young people who were unsure of their sexuality, or who were LGBTQ+, to understand their sexuality more. 

Ross adds that he thinks it’s too difficult to regulate porn though, or to stop young people watching it. ‘I always managed to find it no matter what, as a child,’ he admits. ‘Whether it was watching Babestation or being able to get online in some form, you’d find a way.’ 

For Dr Linda, the key is for parents to talk to their children about pornography – no matter how difficult the conversion might feel.

‘We need to make it clear to our children that porn has often not got much to do with reality at all,’ she explains.

‘We must educate them to know what they feel comfortable with. We need to help them find the guts to say, ‘no, I don’t want that’. To not feel as though, there must be something wrong with them because they don’t want to be spat at, or strangled, or hit, or whatever it might be.’ 

‘However,’ she adds, ‘I do think it’s imperative that we see more regulation in the industry. There is no silver bullet but I think we need to not let the perfect be the enemy of the good.

‘We need to do something.’

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