What guilty secrets do YOU keep from your partner? Tracey Cox reveals which are good for your relationship – and which will drive a wedge between you
- British sexpert Tracey Cox has revealed which guilty secrets you shouldn’t keep
- Read more: Tracey Cox reveals 19 ways to speed things up in bed
Most people instinctively know what secrets are acceptable to keep from their partner and which aren’t.
Pretending to be busier than you are so you can grab some ‘me time’ later (for a walk, yoga, chat on the phone) isn’t harming anyone. If anything, it will benefit your relationship because you’ll be happier and calmer.
Pretending to be busier than you are so you can visit your mistress or lover…not so harmless.
But what about the secrets than don’t fall as neatly into the black or white zone? The ones that are hazier, greyer?
Here’s my take on the not so obvious…
Most people instinctively know what secrets are acceptable to keep from their partner – but here, British sexpert Tracey Cox reveals the things you should always keep hidden (stock image)
SECRETS YOU SHOULD KEEP
Not telling your partner about a ‘mundane’ purchase
A recent study found 90 per cent of participants hadn’t told their partner about their latest purchase – even if they thought they wouldn’t mind. This created a rather pleasant spin-off effect: feeling a little guilty made them be much nicer to their partner afterwards.
Don’t really feel like watching a comedy but just bought yourself a nice bottle of perfume? Why not go along with your partner’s choices, just this once!
Hate Chinese food? Wearing the top you said cost £20 but was £80 makes the experience a whole lot more bearable.
Assuming you’re not massively in depth and racking up huge credit card bills, this secret could be beneficial to keep.
That you flirted with someone
Mild flirting with someone other than your partner can have a positive effect on your relationship.
Innocent flirting makes you feel more attractive and injects a bit of fun into what’s often a mundane day. It means you’re in a great mood when you see your partner – and maybe frisky enough to instigate sex.
Having a crush
Better for it to be on a celebrity than the hot Dad at the school gate. But even if it is someone you see in real life, so long as the crush is more schoolgirl variety (lots of blushing and daydreaming) than devious (actively trying to meet behind the bike sheds), the effect is like flirting.
Tracey revealed you should never feel pressured to tell your partner your ‘number’
Heightened senses set off the production of those love and sex hormones that dried up years ago.
What you masturbate to
Lots of (healthy) couples admit to each other that they masturbate and/or watch porn. But few will tell the truth about exactly what it is that they fantasize about or watch when they do.
If you admit you like lesbian porn, demands for that threesome are bound to get louder. Do you really need to know that he clicked on granny porn and quite enjoyed it?
How many people you’ve slept with
What happened before you met is your business. Only what happened after that is theirs.
Never feel pressured to share your ‘number’. For a start, it will never be right – or true. (Nearly everyone over the age of 30 says 10.) Men overestimate, women do the opposite.
A number is meaningless without the circumstances explained. Information about important lovers and partners come out as your relationship progresses. The rest don’t count.
Pretending to like something you don’t
The amount of white lies we tell our partner is highest when we first get together and want to be liked. I LOVE drill music/red-hot curries/jogging at 5am and black and white films! Who doesn’t? (You.)
Later in the relationship, doing something you don’t like to please your partner can show kindness and a willing to bend and flex into each other. (Just don’t take things too far or you lose your identity.)
A past affair (while with a previous partner)
Pretending you’ve never cheated when you’ve done it with every partner you’ve had, is NOT on. Repetitive cheating makes you high risk and future partners deserve to know what they are getting themselves into.
But you don’t have to admit to every shameful mistake you’ve made in your past. If you had an affair and aren’t proud of it, what do you gain by confessing and being judged?
If they ask outright, don’t lie. Otherwise, I see no harm in keeping quiet about this.
Not liking their family
Everybody knows this rule: it’s fine for your partner to criticise their family, not fine for you to join in.
Trying to get along with your partner’s family is one of the greatest gifts you can bestow: it makes life so much easier for everyone. Do they really need to know you secretly think his sister’s an idiot if the family idolise her? I think not.
HOW TO CONFESS
Here’s how to make it go as smoothly as possible.
Plan exactly what you’re going to say. Write it down. Read it out loud. Imagine your partner’s face as you’re delivering the news. Do this over a few days: it’s worth spending time to get the wording completely right.
Take it on the chin. If you kept something a secret that you shouldn’t have, it’s disloyal to your partner and the relationship. Regardless of your motivation, accept you were responsible for that part of it.
Don’t blame. Even if you secretly think it is their fault (If you weren’t so jealous, I wouldn’t have to hide seeing my male friends), blaming them directly won’t help. Instead, tell the truth: ‘I caught up with John, my friend from London, the other day for a coffee.’ Then say, ‘Can we talk about why I didn’t tell you straight away?’.
When you do explain you hid it because you couldn’t bear the fuss, start sentences with ‘I’ not ‘you’. ‘It makes me feel uncomfortable when you get upset about me seeing male friends’, rather than ‘You have a massive jealousy problem and that’s why I hide things from you’.
Give it time. How long it takes your partner to get over it depends on how bad the betrayal. But even small slights can cut deeply. Trust takes time to rebuild.
Pick the right time. Basically, don’t choose any of the following…
THE WORST TIME TO CONFESS…
Before going to bed. Not only will you guarantee neither of you get a wink of sleep, problems or slights seem so much worse when you’re obsessing about them at 3am.
When your partner’s in a bad mood. Are you trying to sabotage the outcome?
Either of you are drunk. Alcohol impairs judgement. If you’re going to confess a secret, you both need clear heads and a rational brain. It’s the very worst time of all to tell anyone something that might upset them.
They’re tired, unwell or very stressed. For obvious reasons.
You’re both angry. Spitting it out at the furious peak of an argument guarantees it will not be well received – or worded well.
They’ve just had bad news. Otherwise known as kicking someone when they’re dow
SECRETS YOU SHOULDN’T KEEP
This list is by no means exhaustive – there are many, many things you shouldn’t hide from someone you love. But it will give you an idea of the type of secret that is likely to shatter your relationship once it does come to light. (Don’t kid yourself: they always do!)
Wanting or not wanting children
Pretending you’re fine with not having children because you’re convinced your partner will ‘come around’ or be thrilled when you announce you’re pregnant, is a fool’s game.
Ditto pretending you really want a family because your partner does, and you don’t want to lose them.
Never EVER assume your partner will change their mind if they’re adamant one way or another. Even if they seem open to persuasion, don’t assume it will happen or they’ll be ready when you are.
You’ll save both of you a lot of heartache by being honest early on.
Major problems with money
Lying to your spouse about your financial situation in general – claiming to be more financial solvent than you are – is never a good idea. Most particularly if you’re married and you’ve taken on a debt in both names (making your spouse legally responsible as well).
Making major purchases you can’t afford or that drain mutual finances. Lending money (again) to a friend or family member when it’s highly unlikely they’ll pay it back. Not paying a bill (especially one that will impact on your lives like the rent or electricity). Putting things on credit cards that are already hiked to the max. Spending on frivolous items when you’ve both agreed to budget or save for something important.
These are destructive money habits that will ruin your relationship. The only hope you have of surviving is admitting what’s going on.
Breaking a pact to stop doing something ‘bad’
It sounds innocent but can have an unexpected sting in the tail.
A personal example: My first husband and I agreed to give up smoking. He kept to his side of the agreement, I failed dismally (at the time). Rather than confess this to him, I kept up the pretext of being a non-smoker, sneaking cigarettes whenever I could. This meant hanging out with other smokers as often as possible – preferably without him around.
The message this subliminally sends your brain: life is more fun without this person. It wasn’t responsible for our breakup, but it sure didn’t help.
When you break a pact to stop doing something you previously thought was fun (drinking, eating sugar, eating meat, smoking weed), you are far better off admitting it.
Yes, they will be disappointed. Yes, it might mean they end up giving in as well. But it will, ultimately, be better for your relationship.
Ambitions that will impact both your lives
Some people work to live, others live to work. Where you both sit on that spectrum is important.
If you’d cheerfully move to the other side of the world for the right job, your partner needs to know. Especially if they’re a home body who lives on the same street as their Mum.
Work problems that are making you stressed
Not enjoying your job, not feeling like you’re very good at your job, worried you’ll get sacked or demoted or not get that much-needed promotion. Being bullied by workmates, hating your boss, being hit on by your boss – all these things heavily impact our mental health.
Bad enough dealing with them on our own; double the stress level if you’re having to pretend all is well when you finally get out of there.
Venting to a partner about the big bad world is one of the greatest things about being in a good relationship. A problem halved is a problem solved and partners can offer unique insight into situations.
Addiction issues
Anyone who has ever had any dealings with an addict knows this is one of the worst secrets of all to hide.
Especially at the start.
I know three close friends who ended up with alcoholics and drug addicts, finding out late in the day when they were already emotionally invested in the relationship.
Women are nice: we stick around to see if we can fix things. But the truth is most addictions are with you for life.
Some people will take you on anyway and take a risk, but everyone deserves the right to make that decision themselves.
Legal problems
A court case you neglect to mention because you’re too ashamed or embarrassed to admit what you did. A legal battle with an ex over joint property. Your house or car is about to be repossessed.
These things are impossible to hide long-term. If you’re embroiled in any kind of dispute, being honest is the only way your relationship will survive it.
Health problems
Often people do this to ‘protect’ their partner: they don’t want them worrying unnecessarily.
It has the opposite effect.
Close couples know when their partner is hiding something and are even more concerned if you refuse to let them in on the secret.
Tell each other when symptoms first begin, not when you’ve had a final diagnosis. If you’re on the journey together from start to finish, is it infinitely more bearable no matter what it is.
Tracey’s product ranges – Tracey Cox, Supersex and Edge – are available at lovehoney.co.uk. You’ll find more info on her podcast, blog and books at traceycox.com.
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