For many years, Kim Lee could never imagine being a parent, because of the shame he felt society attached to being a queer trans man.

“I would never have given myself permission to know I could start a family,” says Lee, a data analyst at the National Australia Bank, who gave birth four months ago.

Kim Lee and his wife July Lies had baby Morgan five months ago.Credit:Scott McNaughton

“Especially coming from an Asian background, there’s a lot of shame tied to that … it’s very emotionally taxing to dread that you are going against one’s cultural and family expectations.

“The reason I spent eight years hesitating to transition medically was the thought I’m going to bring my family shame.”

Yet, having finally started the process of affirming his gender at age 28 and with the support of his wife, clinical psychologist July Lies (pronounced Julie Lees), Lee gave birth by caesarean to baby Morgan in March. His pregnancy by IVF, in which both partners created embryos, followed many miscarriages suffered by Lies.

The process of being pregnant was not easy for Lee, who had to allow himself to regress to a physical state that made him feel extremely uneasy and increased his fear of being misgendered in public.

Men giving birth in Australia is still rare and although the national Human Rights Commission says 11 in 100 Australians are of diverse sexual orientation, sex or gender identity, statistics on the rates of men giving birth are not easily accessible.

In the UK, trans man Freddy McConnell fought to be recognised as the father on his first son’s birth certificate but lost on appeal. In Australia, parents such as Lee have the right to be listed as parents on their children’s birth certificates, but they still face discrimination in other parts of the medical system.

At one of Melbourne’s highest-profile IVF clinics, Lee was regularly asked “where is your wife?” on the assumption he was not the patient, despite the fact he was having ongoing treatment there.

On the day Morgan’s embryo was transferred to him, Lee was asked in front of other patients in the waiting room to leave, as “support people” were not allowed during the pandemic.

Kim Lee (right) and his wife, July Lies, on their wedding day in 2019. The couple met in 1999.

The couple harbours no ill-will towards the people who helped them create their family. They decided to speak about their journey to parenthood as they believe visibility of rainbow families such as theirs is low and a lack of understanding that families come in many forms endures.

“We’re just as boring as any other couple,” Lee says. “I want the majority of the straight, cis-gendered population to be reminded that we’re human first.” (“Cisgendered” means people who identify as the same gender they were given at birth).

The couple met at school in 1999, married in 2019, and began IVF, hoping Lies, who had “always wanted to experience motherhood”, would have a smooth progression through pregnancy.

But after a series of miscarriages, she was advised it was unlikely she would safely carry a baby to term.

Lee and Lies during a traditional tea ceremony at their wedding reception, with Lee’s maternal grandfather, who has always been a great ally.

“July always wanted to be the one who got pregnant and to feel what it’s like to give birth, but after multiple miscarriages, I saw her mental health go down, and it really affected her. It hurts your sense of self,” Lee says.

As their disappointment mounted, Lee had quietly started to plan to go off his regular testosterone shots “to prepare my body in a just-in-case scenario”. He did not initially tell Lies of this plan, to avoid getting her hopes up, until he had more of an idea of whether the reduction in testosterone would return his body to its former reproductive functions.

“I didn’t see it coming,” Lies says. “It was a huge self-sacrifice for Kim to go through pregnancy as a trans man; it was complex and mixed feelings for me.”

“While I was so grateful that he was helping us to create a family, it was also very difficult to watch him constantly dysphoric [uncomfortable and uneasy],” she says.

We have this vision of a family behind a white picket fence, mum, dad and two healthy kids. It’s just very, very different now.

Nonetheless, Lee got through the pregnancy and birth with help from the couple’s obstetrician, Dr Scott Shemer at the Royal Women’s Hospital’s Frances Perry House. Both Lee and Lies are listed as “parents” on Morgan’s birth certificate.

Shemer says their experiences during IVF treatment exemplified how diverse couples could be made to feel “isolated, humiliated, embarrassed and unwelcome” and illustrated the need for far better education about caring for all people who become parents.

“There was a complete failure to recognise him as the patient, though they knew he was the patient. It’s quite mortifying … We did everything we could to make sure that situation was never replicated whilst under our care,” Shemer says.

“Things have been done a very specific way for a very long time, but that doesn’t mean it’s the right way moving forward. Everyone deserves specific, non-judgmental, safe and inclusive care.”

The couple at their wedding reception with friends.

Shemer says while there is “no template” for the care of diverse families, medical education should include content about individualised care for all people becoming parents. “At no point was this stuff touched upon [in his medical training in the early 2000s]; at no point are you taught how to care for queer families,” he says.

“The shape of families coming to see me is so different now; I see in my waiting room now we have three surrogates, I’m looking after so many single patients who come in with sperm donors, there are more women in their 40s and 50s with egg donors.

“Society puts so many barriers on who can access pregnancy care. We have this vision of a family behind a white picket fence, mum, dad and two healthy kids. It’s just very, very different now and every person deserves the right to create the family they want. We need to make this visible.”

Although Lee and Lies were happy with the care they received at the maternity hospital, neonatal intensive care nurse Ash Scoular says people in LGBTQIA+ communities, especially trans and gender-diverse people, continue to face “a lot of discrimination when they come into hospital”.

“Respecting something you may not understand is really important. Expanding our beliefs around gender actually benefits everyone,” Scoular says.

For Lee and Lies, all the difficulties of conception and pregnancy produced such an uplifting result that they are keen to have a second child. In the meantime, Lee hopes their story will help empower others.

“Rainbow families are so unique from one another, and there is never a single way that makes a family. The tapestry that makes our communities are immensely rich and diverse, and I hope with more sharing [of stories], this will encourage more rainbow families to come out and share theirs … and to know there is support.”

Support can be obtained via Switchboard, an independent organisation that provides services to LGBTQIA+ communities and their allies, friends, support workers and families, or Rainbow Door.

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