Painful ‘red wave’ puns, fake Zorro eyelashes, a run-over rabbit and a dress like a purple bruise: JACI STEPHEN votes for the winners and losers in the battle of the election night TV anchors

Was it a ripple? Was it a sea change? Was it a red wave? Was it the edge of a river?

The tsunami of water images rolled out on every channel as broadcasters grappled with the unexpected after voters failed to deliver the flood of support for the Republicans that had been promised. ‘The big blow out red wave early on – not happening,’ said political pundit Guy Benson on Fox News.

Anchors Martha MacCallum and Bret Baier managed to turn the inevitable tedium of hourly calls on results with lively studio debate and the hilarious Bill Hemmer turned stand-up comic, having fun with his electronic map.

Everyone loved the map, with its alternating blue and red slices of states as Bill kept us up to speed. Such was the jollity in the studio, at one-point Bret had to quieten his guests, who had descended into children’s party mode, joining in with the ‘What if…?’ scenarios.

And there were a lot of them. In the slowness of results and, in some cases, absence of – yes, it’s still going on – speculation was rife. You knew how long the night was when, a few hours after his first appearance, Democratic strategist Mo Elleithee returned sporting a regrowth of facial hair. If he’d stayed in the studio any longer, you’d have been forgiven for thinking that Santa had come early this year.

One message was clear, he said – voters don’t want Biden or Trump.

His was the voice of Democratic calm in discussions that were, for the most part nevertheless, well-informed and extremely well-presided over by the anchors. It’s not always the tone that everyone associates with Fox News and primetime master Tucker Carlson, who nevertheless chipped in from elsewhere to demand an end to electronic voting machines.

The guy, Chris Hayes (above), looked not just like a rabbit that had been caught in the headlights, but caught, run over, and thrown into the nearest cauldron.

Anchors Martha MacCallum and Bret Baier managed to turn the inevitable tedium of hourly calls on results with lively studio debate and the hilarious Bill Hemmer (above) turned stand-up comic, having fun with his electronic map.

His hair was, as ever, a distraction, but something has happened to it. Normally sitting atop his head like a wig made from a long-haired Chihuahua, it looked relatively untamed. It also seemed a lot lighter. He even looked almost attractive. Almost. Let’s not go overboard on the red waves.

Kellyanne Conway was in the studio – at least, the caption said it was her. It was hard to tell as she had taken shelter under a pair of false eyelashes that made her look more Zorro than political adviser.

She claimed to recognize ‘a growing trend for Republican candidates,’ which prompted Bret to note that she hadn’t mentioned the former President, ‘but uses his terminology.’

Talking of bizarre false eyelashes, MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow’s appeared to have gone through a shredder before being reattached to her face. She’s super smart and funny, and accompanied by three women and one man on the panel.

The guy, Chris Hayes, looked not just like a rabbit that had been caught in the headlights, but caught, run over, and thrown into the nearest cauldron.

Steve Kornacki was MSNBC’s Head of Maps and Electronics. As usual, dressed more casually than his CNN equivalents, who bore more resemblance to funeral directors, we were also treated to shots of his battery pack being refitted by a sound guy, and even more coverage of his back as he tried to make sense of a piece of paper bearing what could have been Egyptian hieroglyphics for all the sense they made to viewers. Steve knew what it was all about though, even if he did look as if he were about to embark on a NASA mission.

Over in a Montana shopping mall, correspondent Jacob Soboroff chatted to a crowd who had been handed out Cheetos to keep them occupied while they waited for an hour to vote. Jacob and Rachel exchanged some jolly banter about snacks, which made up for the uneventful contributions from the line. One woman said she was voting because she ‘cared about women’s rights – everyone’s rights.’ My guess is she was there for the free Cheetos.

The station’s main focus was whether Trump was a weight on the Republican Party – especially if he were to become ‘criminal defendant Trump’ before the GOP primary begins.

There was a sense of the beginning of the end for Trump across all coverage, with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis being widely praised by everyone not only for his re-election victory but his work in his home state.

Kellyanne Conway was in the studio – at least, the caption said it was her. It was hard to tell as she had taken shelter under a pair of false eyelashes that made her look more Zorro than political adviser.

By 3.20am, though, they were back to familiar territory, with Democratic contributor Jessica Tarlov imploding in her purple dress – a veritable walking bruise.

Clearly a talented and caring politician – his handling of the recent fallout from Hurricane Ian was widely praised – the overwhelming feeling was that A Star is Born.

On Fox News, it was definitely DeSantis’s night, whereas CNN rightly praised John Fetterman’s win over Dr Oz in Pennsylvania and declared it to be a bad night for Trump. But there was too much talk in front of the map on CNN and not enough contributors. 

Only on CBS’s Late Night with Stephen Colbert – which went live for the election – was DeSantis booed, but then they predictably booed every result that gave victory to a Republican. Colbert’s monologue lacked its usual sparkle – writers really do need days to pen their gags – and a sketch featuring two chickens fell flatter than – well, a chicken pattie that’s been trampled by an elephant.

ABC, alas, was largely unwatchable because of its dependency on reporters at the voting venues. The background noise either drowned them out or forced them to shout above the racket, which was just irritating.

Take me back to those greedy people scoffing Cheetos, please.

It was Fox News, with its mix of analysis and humor that won the night. By 3.20am, though, they were back to familiar territory, with Democratic contributor Jessica Tarlov imploding in her purple dress – a veritable walking bruise, and Steve Hilton – who presents The Next Revolution – giving it both barrels to Democrats and, in particular, the ‘incompetent and embarrassing’ spectacle that is Biden. It was a pertinent and highly amusing analysis of everything that’s gone wrong – and yet, bizarrely, what so many voted for.

But even Fox News had to acknowledge, as the hours dragged on, that the red wave had been tempered. It remains to be seen who or what it washes up next – and who’s going to drown.

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