Soapwatch with JACI STEPHEN: Who’s the poisoner?

CORONATION STREET

The Christmas curse that strikes everyone in soapland has come early this year. As Gemma prepares for her family’s Christmas lunch – arranged in case her mum Bernie’s in prison on 25 December for handling stolen goods – young Joseph collapses and has to be taken to hospital. Then comes the shock news that he’s been poisoned.

With the Christmas lunch finally in full swing, a real downer descends on the proceedings when Chesney returns from the hospital with a child protection officer, who wants to interview Gemma. 

Joseph, of course, has been complaining of feeling ill for ages. Did Gemma poison him on purpose? Are we heading for a Munchausen’s Syndrome by Proxy storyline here? Let’s hope not. 

How much more can one family take? Sexual abuse, quads, debt, prison, Motor Neurone Disease. The Winters’ tale makes Shakespeare’s Winter’s Tale look like Carry On Christmas.

This week on Coronation Street, Joseph is taken to hospital. When it becomes clear that he has been poisoned, a child protection officer is keen to interview Gemma

Another lunch looks as if it’s embarking on a collision course when Nina tells Asha it’s time they got to know each other’s friends. 

A COUPLE IN CRISIS

Could Gemma and Chesney be heading for the rocks following Joseph’s poisoning? 

‘It’s going to put a strain on their marriage,’ says Sam Aston (Chesney). 

‘They’ve got some difficult times ahead.’

So, as they set out to get together with Isla and her senior colleague, Miles, how will Nina react when she arrives at Speed Daal to hear Asha bigging her up as a budding fashion designer?

Asha’s been looking bored witless in recent weeks and clearly gets off more on talking about people almost dying on her paramedic watch than the cost of a sticky bun at the café (by the way, why does everyone always order a sticky bun and never lick their fingers or wash their hands after eating them? I worry about these things). 

Come on, Nina, it’s you who has the raw end of the deal here; a Mogadon-induced stupor would give you more laughs than Asha. 

And another question: why would the foursome go to the alcohol-free Speed Daal, when recently Asha and Nina have been downing bottles of wine quicker than the vineyards of Bordeaux can make it? You can almost hear the cry of vintners the world over yelling, ‘Slow down, ladies!’

EASTENDERS 

The tension between Priya and Suki has been palpable from the outset, and the situation looks set to become worse when Priya demands money – or she’ll tell Nish all about Eve. 

Suki manages to get £200, and Nish investigates when the Minute Mart till is £200 down. And what does the CCTV reveal? Suki and Eve kissing. At last, the cat’s out of the bag! 

Nish’s reaction is to smash up the shop. Forget the kiss; what about the matching outfits? Presumably they were dressed for Pride, which would explain why their embrace looked like a collision of Opal Fruits.

The CCTV in the Minute Mart reveals Suki and Eve kissing, which leads Nish to smash up the shop 

Psychic Jaci may have struck again. Over two months ago, I said that a relationship was on the cards between Stacey and Jack, now that they had a grand-daughter in common. 

When they have a heart-to-heart about the past, Stacey is clearly touched by Jack’s support. I never believed Jack would forgive Denise for betraying him, so keep your eyes on this pair.

Please get rid of Karen ASAP. That ghastly hair, the smoking – yes, she’s leaving, but it can’t come a moment too soon.

Suki’s secret is out of the bag

It’s going to be interesting to see how Nish reacts when he finally learns the truth about Suki’s relationship with Burger Queen Eve. 

‘I think the heartbreaking jealous rage will consume him on so many levels,’ says Navin Chowdhry (Nish). 

‘The idea that he doesn’t know, when he is such a controlling man, is humiliating for him. It’s a dagger in his heart.’ Dagger? I’d say Samurai sword is closer to the truth. 

EMMERDALE 

Tracy can’t resist those risky kisses with Caleb

It’s a thin line between playing with fire and turning full-blown arsonist. That’s what Tracy seems intent on doing, though, when she shares another passionate kiss with Caleb. Will this woman never be satisfied? 

She’s determined to put all thoughts of Caleb behind her, but her plans are thwarted when everyone gathers for Cain’s birthday celebrations. Sitting close to Caleb, Tracy can’t resist and heads for the Woolpack’s toilet corridor, where Caleb follows her to share another kiss.

Tracey and Caleb share a kiss in the Woolpack’s toilet corridor

What is it about that pub toilet? So many have gathered there and engaged in pretty much everything other than the business for which toilets were intended. And why take the risk? 

The pair are nearly caught by Cain, and still that’s not enough of a warning for Tracy, who follows Caleb when he leaves. This isn’t just fanning the flames of a hearth; it’s the Dales’s answer to the Great Fire of London.

It’s a bit of a lip-suctioning time all round when Jacob and Victoria kiss but are spotted by an astonished David. His world rocked, David later makes the decision to pack up and leave the village. Great. Now maybe they can turn that dreadful shop into a wine bar.

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