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When you’ve been with someone for long enough, sex has the tendency to become monotonous.

I’d say it’s pretty common misconception that sex in a long-term relationship ends up feeling like a chore. 

Rather than being something you need to do but don’t want to, it becomes something that you do so often that it becomes a part of the routine. Excitement becomes efficiency.

Efficient sex, writes sex therapist Petra Zebroff for Psychology Today, is ‘fast, direct, and based on what a person knows will work to give their partner pleasure and reach orgasm’.

Essentially, it’s a quickie – and it’s not necessarily a bad thing. As Zebroff notes, it almost always leads to orgasm.

‘[Efficient sex] is something that can be achieved in long term sexual relationships,’ explains tantra trainer Aysha Bell. ‘You both know what works and are able  to communicate your wants and desires honestly and openly.’

She tells Metro.co.uk that efficient sex does have some benefits: you’re able to reach deep and intimate states of pleasure quickly, for one.

‘Sex releases oxytocin the feel good hormone which helps the bonding process,’ she says.

‘You get an emotional high and it can also greatly improve your sleep and help you to distress.’ 

Plus, it shows how familiar and comfortable you and your partner are with one another if you’re able to consistently hit all the right spots in a matter of minutes. 

On the flip side, Aysha says too many quickies can lead to complacency: ‘couples can get stuck in cycles that do leave no room for exploration,’ she says. 

This can, in turn, limit desire and arousal, lead to less intense orgasms and limit excitement, all of the things we look for in a successful sex life. 

Aysha also makes the point that spending less time on pleasing your partner can lead to a loss of connection. 

Plus, we always need to be learning about our partners – desire is not a static thing, after all.

‘Sex is not just physical, in fact we need to feel some form of connection,’ she says. ‘So slowing down or getting to know your partner even if you have been sexually active together for a long time.’

So, how do you slow it down and bring the eroticim back? Aysha recommends taking things out of the bedroom to begin with. 

‘Go on date nights and try new things together to build connection in different areas of your life,’ she says.

She also suggests trying out new fantasies, like having a go roleplay or playing fun games to switch things up in the bedroom.

But this means fostering trust and being open with your partner about your desires and fantasies, but also just in general: ‘the more open we are able to be with a partner, the easier it is to explore sexual fantasies,’ she says.

Finally, if things have gotten really stuck, she suggests trying a couples retreat or Tantra.

‘Things like couples retreats and couples Tantra can be a really amazing way to explore each other in a deeper, honest and open way,’ she says.

At the end of the day, efficient sex isn’t all bad.

But if you find your sex life with your partner is only as satisfying as it is with your vibrator, it might be worth slowing things down.

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