DEAR DEIDRE: I ENJOYED a night of passionate sex with my ex even though I knew she was married.
It was a stupid one-off but she’s now pregnant.
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She doesn’t know if the baby is mine or her husband’s — but she’s telling him it’s his.
I’m 43 and my ex is 34. We broke up after two years together.
It was mainly my decision but I missed making love with her because she’s hot in bed.
I had a bit of a sex drought last summer and messaged her in a down moment.
But I was surprised when she got back to me instantly with a “yes”. She came round to mine one Sunday when her husband was out with his dad.
She assured me we didn’t need contraception and I assumed she was on the Pill.
We had a great day, had sex three times and then she went home. I didn’t plan to be in contact again but then she got in touch saying she’s pregnant.
It turns out she and her husband had been having problems conceiving. She’s let her husband believe he’s the father and hasn’t told him about us.
She’s been emailing me about it all non-stop and it was getting me down.
We’ve agreed she won’t now contact me until after the baby is born, at which point I’ll take a DNA test. She demanded I do this without her husband knowing.
I do want to be as involved as I can if I am the father and want to be as responsible for the baby as possible. But it’s all got me really stressed out.
The baby is due in the spring. I am concerned about what my rights are as the potential father and what action I should take to make sure the welfare of the baby is protected.
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DEIDRE SAYS: It may have seemed like too good an offer to refuse but your ex sounds like she has had her own agenda.
She might have got pregnant from having sex with you just the once. But even if they have been having problems conceiving, the baby could be her husband’s if they have a regular sex life.
That looks likely given that he’s not questioning the baby’s paternity.
Well done you for caring about the baby’s wellbeing, but it’s hard to read your ex’s thinking. If she wants her husband to accept the baby as his, why does she want you to do a DNA test?
Or are you the one who wants to know? In which case, I suspect she may backtrack, and you can’t legally insist on DNA tests unless she agrees.
If DNA tests show the baby is yours, then she can claim child maintenance from you until the child leaves education. It’s a big decision, but that baby deserves a loving dad.
You can find ongoing support and information through Families Need Fathers (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363).
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