DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been in a relationship with a married woman for two years, but I’m starting to doubt whether anything she has told me is true.
If my lover can lie to her husband about our affair, is she being dishonest with me too?
I’m a 50-year-old widower with three children, aged 11, nine and seven. My wife died five years ago.
I met my lover, who is 43, at a conference and we quickly became friends.
I knew she was married but, over time, my feelings became romantic. She said she felt the same.
She told me she was separating from her husband, hadn’t slept with him for years and wanted to file for divorce.
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However, he has mental health problems, and she didn’t want to tip him over the edge.
When we’re together, our relationship is amazing. She makes me happy, and the sex is fantastic.
She has really bonded with my children too, in a way nobody else has since they lost their mum. But when we’re apart I feel lonely and insecure. I can’t call her or message her as I know she’s with her husband.
After two years, I need to be sure we have a future. Yet she seems no closer to leaving him.
I question how she can have sex with me, tell me she loves me, then leave my house, go back to him and act normally.
If she’s capable of that, is she feeding me a pack of lies too?
Are they really not intimate? Has she any intention of leaving him?
I don’t want to lose her, but I need to know if I’m being played for a fool.
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DEIDRE SAYS: It’s not surprising that you’re starting to doubt your lover’s account of her relationship.
You’ve not only let her into your life but also into your children’s, which is a significant consideration after they lost their mother.
I can’t tell you if she’s being honest or not. Only she knows the truth.
You need to talk to her and tell her how you’re feeling.
To discover if she genuinely intends to leave her husband is to put your relationship on hold until she has sorted out her marriage one way or another.
Tell her you love her but need to know if you have a future together or not.
My support pack, Your Lover Not Free, has more insights on being in this type of relationship.
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