DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER agreeing to a vasectomy, my husband now says he can’t go through with it because he might want children after all.
But I have three kids already and am certain I don’t want more. Is our marriage doomed? I’m 38 and he’s 36. My kids from my first marriage are 17, 15, and 12.
When I met my husband four years ago, he knew I didn’t want more children and he said he didn’t want them either.
We used condoms for a while but neither of us like them – and I don’t entirely trust them.
So last year, I asked if he’d have a vasectomy, as I can’t take the Pill and have had a lot of gynae issues.
At first he agreed, but a month ago, he told me he’d had second thoughts. He said he might still want to have kids one day and if he went ahead, he’d never be able to.
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He’d only agreed to the snip because he was scared of losing me.
I’m so upset. First, that he lied to me about not wanting children when clearly he does want to be a dad to his own.
And second, that he doesn’t think our marriage is going to last forever, so is keeping his options open.
Since we had this conversation, our relationship has started to fall apart.
I feel I no longer know him properly and have pulled away. Part of me feels I should end the marriage, so he can find someone who wants children with him.
But I can’t face putting myself or my kids through another divorce.
Is there any hope for us?
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DEIDRE SAYS: When one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, it can be a dealbreaker.
However, I don’t think your husband lied to you, at least not deliberately.
Perhaps it was only when it came to going through with the operation that he realised he does want children after all. Or maybe he’s scared of surgery.
If you love each other, there may be a way through this.
He may be hoping you’ll change your mind.
It would be a good idea to have some relationship counselling together to talk about your feelings, you can sort this via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).
My Counselling support pack explains more.
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