Marriage is mundane. 

It’s about picking your partner’s spots on their back, and arguing over who needs to drop the neighbour’s package off that’s been sitting in the hallway all week.

It’s pooping while they’re showering, and sitting on your phones bored together in your grey tracksuit bottoms, while you row about who left the water streaks on the John Lewis cutlery.

Marriage is boring – it’s meant to be, but it doesn’t mean that it’s not without its excitement.

So when I first heard about BBC’s new show Marriage, featuring Sean Bean and Nicola Walker as couple of 27-years, Ian and Emma, at first, I felt relieved that wedded life was finally getting some representation.

The show follows the highs and lows of marriage, the reality of romance and its stale, monotonous nature – and having been married for three years, I was curious to watch it. Eager and excited to see whether it stacked up to the trials and tribulations of the real deal – but I felt like it totally missed the mark. 

I couldn’t quite put my finger on why – maybe I felt embarrassed to admit that I felt ‘too seen’ by the characters arguing over jacket potatoes across the aisle of an aeroplane, and who paid for ketchup in its first scenes. 

But then it clicked: the concept of the show was as mind-numbingly boring as the notion of marriage itself. It missed out on all of the excitement.

Admittedly, I soon gave up on the show, as it was like watching someone else play mine and my husband Jethro’s life – without all the really good bits. I thought it was interesting that so many people related to it, and seemed proud to admit on social media that their marriage was indeed grey and dull.

But if this is what your marriage is defined by, day-in and day-out, I feel truly sorry for you.

Boredom is part of the package, it should hardly be a surprise – marital vows might as well be: ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for bore-r.’ It’s true that marriage is more pyjamas and poo jokes, and sitting on your phones together in bed than sex on tap, but marriage is not all a snoozefest like the show makes out.

I can safely say that marriage should be defined by excitement – not about the crusty bed sheets, or who’s turn it is to put the clothes away (even if it does make up a large part of it). You’re married to your best friend in the entire world, how the hell are you happy that it’s boring for you?

Being married is the most exciting thing to ever happen to me – not the most boring. It’s intimate, terrifying, tender and so, so much fun. 

To me, marriage is about waking up to exclusively see the person you love being one day older than they were yesterday. Greedily studying every single line, hair and pore in awe. 

It’s waiting at the top of the stairs for when they come home to hear about their promotion. It’s being excited to watch them thrive, and being both their biggest cheerleader and enabler. Stealing kisses in the middle of Lidl and patting their arse when they walk up the stairs. 

It’s dancing in the kitchen after helping them choose a shirt to wear to work, and looking forward to meeting them in the same old pub you’ve been going to for years. It’s the joy you get on seeing their smile when they look up and see you in the same room. 

It’s being keen to see what your babies would look like, and getting past a gym leader together on the new Pokémon game. Listening to a new album in complete silence while you’ve made a sofa fort, and having the same enthusiasm about going on a rager as you do when you challenge each other to try all the crisps in the corner shop. 

All the poignant things, however small they may seem, that I feel the show failed to highlight. 

Maybe I haven’t been married long enough (the honeymoon period is *definitely* over though, believe me) but, to me, marriage is taking a leap of faith and knowing that someone is always there to hold your hand while you do it. That’s what every aspect of popular culture misses when it comes to portraying marriage on screen – including BBC’s feeble stab at it.

Truthfully, when I got married, I didn’t know what to expect. Films, books and social media always missed the mark on showing me what a real marriage was – it seemed salacious, fake or full of love affairs. This attempt was just plain dull. It didn’t show me that I’d rave with my husband until the sun rose, or that I’d be laughing at his jokes until I pissed myself. 

Marriage is exciting because it’s a new, totally unique experience – but the BBC’s much-talked about show would make anyone who’s considering getting married run for the hills where the grass might be greener. And I wouldn’t blame them.

But, if anything, I suppose that the show proves that marriage is human. It’s not a fairytale, or unachievable, and for some people I understand that it may be comforting to watch a mirror image on TV.  

Though I despise the way my husband eats sometimes, and how obsessed he is with washing the dishes ‘the right way’, or rehanging all his clothes after I’ve already put them out to dry, if I could do it all over again, I would do it exactly the same. 

If I was born again tomorrow, I would be counting down the days until I met him again, and he asked me if I ever stopped talking. That’s what I want people to know about the real, true version of marriage. The one where you fall in love with them a little bit more each and every day.

For me, it’s ‘til death do us fart, while we have fun along the way. Maybe ask me again in 50 years when I’ve hidden his false teeth, though.

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